True or False Love

Written by Rachel Brown*

When I was young and immature, I pretty much took love at its basic concept, as any young child does.  I loved my parents, I loved my siblings, I loved my family, and I loved my friends.  What else was there?  That was love.  It wasn't until I began to grow up that my version of loved changed (particularly due to a demolished sense of love portrayed in romance novels).  Love was that beautiful thing of romance and flowers, gazing deeply into someone's eyes, being "in a relationship" with someone, saying sweet things, being told sweet things, candlelight, and "ooey gooey mush," as some people like to call it.  However, the more I find out about true love, the more I realize that there is so much more beneath the underlying surface of romance.

My dad told me to study 1 Corinthians 13—for it is the most precise chapter in the Bible on the meaning of true love—to deepen and develop my weak understanding of what love really is.  So I took him up on it.  I have read over 1 Corinthians 13 countless times, but it was only recently that I realized how superficially I had been reading it.  I had already understood that love suffers long, is kind, is patient, does not envy, and is not prideful, but I had never fully grasped what it is like in practice.

I am at a point and time in my life when I need the best understanding of love I can possibly receive.  Too many people have made mistakes concerning love and marriage, simply because of their misconception of that little word love, and have come to regret decisions later on in life.  Many marriages have failed because people do not understand what it really takes to love someone until death do them part, especially when "real life" hits.  Love is all that beatific, romanticism into practice, but it goes so much deeper into the heart and soul of a person.  As Voddie Baucham has said:

"Love is an act of the will accompanied by emotion that leads to action on behalf of its object."

There is plenty of emotion in love, more than enough in fact at its fullest, ripest phase.  However, the true test of love is found in 1 Corinthians 13.

"Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.  Love never faileth" (v. 4-8).

The character of love is one of the most important aspects.  As Daddy has said, anyone can romance; it takes a real love built upon the foundation of God's Word with Christ as head to last forever, even through the toughest times life brings our way [read: reality].  When I am old and gray, I still want my husband to say that he loves me just as much after fifty years of marriage as he did in the beginning, if not more.  I will have lost all earthly youth and beauty as wrinkles line my face and my hair has turned to gray, but I want him to love me just as much as ever before.  That could not be possible if our "love" was based solely on the youthful delight of passing romance.  True romance in love, however, will last forever, just like the old white-haired couple who still loves to hold hands after a lifetime together.  What could be sweeter?

From 1 Corinthians 13 we gather that love is a pretty selfless virtue.  It suffers long, is kind, patient, humble, does not envy, is not jealous, does not behave unseemly, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, rejoices in truth not iniquity, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, and never fails. 

Love says, "I will follow you to the ends of the earth if need be, suffering in patience anything that may annoy or irritate me."  Love says, "I am willing to sacrifice my selfish desires for your needs and even wants, no matter the cost to myself."  Love says, "I will be with you through the fire, through the raging storm, as well as during the best years of our lives."  Love says, "I will be your ever constant source of hope, encouragement, faithfulness, devotion, friendship, tears, smiles, happiness, sorrow, and joy."  Love says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."  Love says, "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things (1 Cor. 13:11).  Love says, "I will always be here for you, whatever may happen.  I am willing to lay down my life daily in self-sacrifice for you.  I will live for Christ and serve Him because I love Him most, but through loving Him I can love you more."  True love never ceases, never fails, and though sometimes it may falter or waver, Christ the architect always keeps it steady.  Love is forever.  True love is not the furtherance of self, but rather the laying down of self for others.

Oh yes, there is definitely mush in love.  That is the emotion that leads to action; the excitement that follows commitment; and the depth that cannot be measured.  True love without romance would not be love at all, for love has to have emotion.  In marriage there is deep emotion between husband and wife, just as God ordained.

Let's face it: love can be pretty blind to faults in another person.  Premature emotion can twist and distort the meaning and object of love, which is why one must be extremely cautious in applying emotional romance in courtship before marriage.  Too many times emotion blinds, until the revelation at the end ends in confusion, unhappiness, and broken hearts.  Romance in the early part of a courtship can actually be quite dangerous if it gets out of hand.  Joshua Harris, in his book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, said this:

"When we find ourselves attracted to someone, we need to make building a deeper friendship our first priority.  Too often we believe that relating in a romantic, exclusive relationship will automatically mean we'll be closer and know each other better.  But this doesn't always happen.  Although romance can be a more exciting level of relationship, it can also foster illusion and infatuation, obscuring the true character of each person involved.  Remember, as soon as we unleash our emotions in romantic love, our objectivity begins to fade.  For this reason, we need to focus on developing a closer friendship with a potential partner before introducing romance."

Every girl wants the romance.  It must be part of our womanly genetic system.  Because of this, we tend to speed things up in a friendship or courtship before marriage, when what we should be doing is concentrating on the most important: the character of the other person.  When the time comes that we have to decide on whom we marry, do we want to be confident because we have deepened the friendship and discovered the hidden person and character, or do we want to be so blinded by romance that we are rudely awakened to an unhappy and unfit marriage with lots of troubles later on?  Disaster is ripe and ready to be harvested when two people say they love each other, but both don’t truly understand what they mean.

This period of love is an extremely difficult one.  On the one hand, it can be the most glorious and fantastic time period of life.  On the other, sometimes it can be the most frustrating because we want to rush into something head-over-heels, without giving proper time to analyze and discover and grow.  Marriage is a committed covenant for life, and if the time before it is messed in in haste, we will regret it for the rest of our lives.  Caution is the best key in a beginning courtship.  In due time, if there is true love on both sides, it will bud and bring forth the most gorgeous flowers that purity can muster.

True love IS worth the wait.  Yes, it is hard to wait on the romance, and many times we make the mistake of rushing headlong into it, but it is a matter of being guided by God's wisdom and prudence, as well as the counsel of godly parents.  Is it wise to be led by emotion without realizing what true love is?  It is definitely fun, but unquestionably not wise.  God will bring forth the increase in His timing, if we are patient and faithful in doing what is right.  After all, in marriage two lovers can have all the romance that their hearts desire.

So, is it worth the wait to experience the first of everything in marriage, or is it better to go ahead and give pieces of our hearts way before it is the correct time at the alter?  Do we want to give our whole and unblemished heart to our future spouse, or just broken fragments of a once beautiful thing?

It depends on whether your love is true or false.

Rachel Brown is the oldest daughter of James and Sonya Brown.  You can read more about her on her blog, Covenant Maiden.

A Woman's Question

A Woman's Question

by Adelaide Procter

BEFORE I trust my fate to thee,
Or place my hand in thine,
Before I let thy future give
Color and form to mine,
Before I peril all for thee, question thy soul to-night for me.

I break all slighter bonds, nor feel
A shadow of regret:
Is there one link within the Past
That holds thy spirit yet?
Or is thy faith as clear and free as that which I can pledge to thee?

Does there within thy dimmest dreams
A possible future shine,
Wherein thy life could henceforth breathe,
Untouch’d, unshar’d by mine?
If so, at any pain or cost, O, tell me before all is lost.

Look deeper still. If thou canst feel,
Within thy inmost soul,
That thou hast kept a portion back,
While I have stak’d the whole;
Let no false pity spare the blow, but in true mercy tell me so.

Is there within thy heart a need
That mine cannot fulfil?
One chord that any other hand
Could better wake or still?
Speak now—lest at some future day my whole life wither and decay.

Lives there within thy nature hid
The demon-spirit Change,
Shedding a passing glory still
On all things new and strange?
It may not be thy fault alone—but shield my heart against thy own.

Couldst thou withdraw thy hand one day
And answer to my claim,
That Fate, and that to-day’s mistake—
Not thou—had been to blame?
Some soothe their conscience thus; but thou wilt surely warn and save me now.

Nay, answer not,—I dare not hear,
The words would come too late;
Yet I would spare thee all remorse,
So, comfort thee, my fate—
Whatever on my heart may fall—remember, I would risk it all!

Calvin on submission

Here is an excerpt from Calvin's Commentaries on Ephesians 5

Verse 22 - Wives submit your selves.  He comes now to the various conditions of life; for, besides the universal bond of subjection, some are more closely bound to each other, according to their respective callings.  The community at large is divided, as it were, into so many yokes, out of which arises mutual obligation.  There is, first, the yoke of marriage between husband and wife; - secondly, the yoke which binds parents and children; - and, thirdly, the yoke which connects masters and servants.  By this arrangement there are six different classes, for each of whom Paul lays down peculiar duties.  He begins with wives, whom he enjoins to be subject to their husbands, in the same manner as to Christ, - as to the Lord.  Not that the authority is equal, but wives cannot obey Christ without yielding obedience to their husbands.

 Verse 23 - For the husband is the head of the wife.  This is the reason assigned why wives should be obedient.  Christ has  appointed the same relation to exist between a husband and a wife, as between himself and his church.  This comparison ought to produce a stronger impression on their minds, than the mere declaration that such is the appointment of God.  Two things are here stated.  God has given to the husband authority over the wife; and a resemblance of this authority is found in Christ, who is the head of the church, as the husband is of the wife.

 And he is the saviour of the body.  The pronoun HE is supposed by some to refer to Christ; and, by others, to the husband.  It applies more naturally, in my opinion, to Christ, but still with a view to the present subject.  In this point, as well as in others, the resemblance ought to hold.  As Christ rules over his church for her salvation, so nothing yields more advantage or comfort to the wife than to be subject to her husband.  To refuse that subjection, by means of which they might be saved, is to choose destruction.

Verse 24 - But, as the church is subject to Christ.  The particle but, may lead some to believe that the words, he is the saviour of the body, are intended to anticipate an objection.  Christ has, no doubt, this peculiar claim, that he is the Saviour of the Church: nevertheless, let wives know, that their husbands, though they cannot produce equal claims, have authority over them, after the example of Christ.  I prefer the former interpretation; for the argument derived from the word but, does not appear to me to have much weight.

Directives for avoiding dissension in the home

By Richard Baxter

It is a great duty of husbands and wives to live in quietness and peace, and avoid all occasions of wrath and discord. Because this is a duty of so great importance, I shall first open to you the great NECESSITY of it, and then give you more particular directions to perform it.

(1) Your discord will be your pain, and the vexation of our lives. Like a disease, or wound, or fracture in your own bodies, which will pain you until it is cured; you will hardly keep peace in your minds, when peace is broken so near you in your family. As you would take heed of hurting yourselves, and as you would hasten the cure when you are hurt; so should you take heed of any breach of peace, and quickly seek to heal it when it is broken.

(2) Dissension tends to cool your love; frequent dissension tends to leave a habit of distaste and averseness on the mind. Wounding is separating; and to be tied together by any outward bonds, when your hearts are separated, is but to be tormented; and to have the insides of adversaries, while you have marital outsides. As the difference between my 'home' and my 'prison' is that I willingly and with delight dwell in the one, but am unwillingly confined to the other; such will be the difference between a quiet and an unquiet life, in your married state; it turns your dwelling and delight into a prison, where you are chained to those calamities, which in a free condition you might flee.

(3) Dissension between the husband and the wife, disorders all other family affairs. They are like oxen unequally yoked--which can perform no work, because they are always striving with one another.

(4) It exceedingly unfits you for the worship of God; you are not fit to pray together, nor to confer together of heavenly things, nor to be helpers to each other's souls. I need not tell you this, you feel it by experience. Wrath and bitterness will not allow you so much exercise of love and holy composedness of mind, as every one of those duties requires.

(5) Dissension disables you to govern your families aright. Your children will take example by you; or think they are at liberty to do what they desire, when they find you taken up with such animosity between yourselves. They will think you unfit to reprove them for their faults--when they see you guilty of such faults and folly of your own. Nay, you will become the shame and secret derision of your children, and bring yourselves into contempt.

(6) Your dissensions will expose you to the malice of Satan, and give him advantage for manifold temptations. A house divided cannot stand; an army divided is easily conquered, and made a prey to the enemy. You cannot foresee what abundance of sin you put yourselves in danger of. 

By all these reasons, you may see what dissensions between husband and wife do tend to.
 

DIRECTIVES for avoiding dissension in the home 

(1) Keep up your marital love in a constant heat and vigor. Love will suppress wrath. You cannot become bitter upon small provocations, against those whom you dearly love; much less can you proceed to reviling words, or to averseness and estrangedness, or any abuse of one another. Or if a breach and wound be unhappily made, the balsamic quality of love will heal it. But when love once cools, small matters exasperate and breed antipathy.

(2) Both husband and wife must mortify their pride and passion, which are the causes of impatience; and must pray and labor for a humble, meek, and quiet spirit. A proud heart is troubled and provoked by every word or action that seems to tend to their undervaluing. A peevish, proud mind is like a sore and ulcerated member--which will be pained if it be touched. He that must live near such a sore, diseased, impatient, proud mind--must live even as the nurse does with the child, that makes it her business to rock it, and lull, and sing it quiet when it cries; for to be angry with it, will do no good. And if you have married one of such a sick or childish temper, you must resolve to bear and use them accordingly. But no Christian should bear with such a malady in themselves; nor be patient with such impatience, pride and haughtiness in themselves. Once get the victory over yourselves, and the cure of your own impatience, and you will easily keep peace with one another.

(3) Agree together beforehand, that when one is in a tempestuous, angry fit, the other shall silently and gently bear it--until it be past and you have come to your senses again. Do not both be angry at the same time. When the fire is kindled, quench it with gentle words and demeanor, and do not cast on more fuel, by answering provokingly and sharply, or by multiplying words, and by answering wrath with wrath.

(4) If you cannot quickly quench the anger in your heart--yet at least refrain your tongues! Speak no reproachful or provoking words. Talking hotly and angrily does blow the fire, and increase the flame. Be but silent, and you will the sooner return to your serenity and peace. Foul words tend to more displeasure. As Socrates said when his wife first railed at him, and next threw a vessel of foul water upon him, "I thought when I heard the thunder, there would come rain"; so you may foretell worse following, when foul, unseeming words begin. If you cannot easily allay your wrath, you may hold your tongues, if you are truly willing.

(5) Let the sober party condescend to speak gently and to entreat the other. Say to your angry wife or husband, 'You know this should not be between us; love must allay it, and it must be repented of. God does not approve it, and we shall not approve it when this heated argument is over. This frame of mind is contrary to a praying frame, and this language contrary to a praying language; we must pray together soon; let us do nothing contrary to prayer now. Sweet water and bitter come not from one spring,' etc. Some calm and humble words of reason, may stop the torrent, and revive the reason which passion had overcome.

(6) Confess your fault to one another, when angry passion has prevailed against you; and ask forgiveness of each other, and join in prayer to God for pardon. This will lay a greater engagement on you the next time, to refrain from argument. You will surely be ashamed to do that which you have so confessed and asked forgiveness for--of God and each other.

If you will but practice these directives, your family peace may be preserved.

The Providential Hand of God

Words of wisdom from Charles Spurgeon

Little did she know, that amid the sheaves—she would find a husband!
 

"Ruth left and entered the field to gather grain behind the harvesters. She happened to be in the portion of land belonging to Boaz, who was from Elimelech's family." Ruth 2:3 

 

"She happened." Yes, it seemed nothing but an accident—but how divinely was it overruled! Ruth had gone forth with her mother-in-law's blessing, under the care of her God—to humble but honorable toil; and the providence of God was guiding her every step! Little did she know, that amid the sheaves—she would find a husband; and that he would make her the joint owner of all those broad acres; and that she, a destitute foreigner, would become an ancestor of the great Messiah!

God is very good to those who trust in Him, and often surprises them with unlooked for blessings. Little do we know what may happen to us in the future; but this sweet fact should cheer us—that nothing which is really good for us—shall be withheld from us!

The word "chance" is banished from the Christian's vocabulary—for we see the hand of God in everything. The seemingly trivial events of today or tomorrow, may involve consequences of the highest importance. Take comfort—our Lord deals as graciously with all His servants—as He did with Ruth!

A letter from a father to his daughter

15 Marriage Admonitions 

By Legh Richmond 

Prior to his daughter's marriage, Mr. Richmond put into her hands a paper of directions for her future conduct, which, for simplicity, affection, and sound practical wisdom—may be considered one of the best dowries that a Christian parent could bestow on his child.

My much-loved daughter, 

When your sister Mary left her paternal roof, I gave her a paper of admonitions, which I requested her to read often. I do the same for you, in the form of a friendly string of maxims, to regulate your conduct in your new and very responsible situation.


1. Aim at keeping a devoted heart for God in the least and most common transactions of every hour—as well as in those events which may seem to call the loudest for manifestations of Christian prudence and principle.


2. Pray regularly and frequently, not seldom and occasionally—for grace to live by.


3. Remember the Christian principles and examples of your father's house, and everywhere endeavor to preserve its character, by consistency in conduct, conversation, and temper. Keep in constant recollection—the wise, prudent, and conscientious example of your dear mother.


4. Form no hasty friendship; and none whatever, but such as may promote seriousness of heart, tongue and life.


5. Beware of cheerfulness degenerating into levity. Let no natural vivacity of temper, no occasionally indulged sallies of humor and jocularity—throw a shadow over the exercise of solid principle. Little foolish things give a color to character, and are more easily imitated, than serious and good sentiments.


6. Guard against hasty judgments of character, and above all against uttering hasty opinions, and making remarks to the disparagement of others. Particularly avoid making the errors, failings, faults, or follies of others—the subject of rash and unguarded remarks. Be known for charity, forbearance, and kindness. Be slow to judge—rather than swift to speak.

7. Wherever you are, in the first place, remember that God's eye is upon you; and then imagine also that your husband and father are present. It may be a fanciful—but it is a profitable supposition.

8. Keep Christ's golden rule, "Do unto to others—as you would have them do unto you" in perpetual remembrance. It is the panacea for most of the social evils of life.

9. Be conscientious towards all; friendly with few; confidential with fewer still; strictly intimate with fewest of all.

10. When you think of your father, bear with his infirmities and pardon his faults—but remember his principles and instructions, so far as they have been agreeable to the Word of God.

11. Do not be content with anything short of deep, sincere, diligent, and decided piety.

12. If you and your husband happen to differ in opinion or feeling on any point—remember whom you have promised to love, honor, and obey—and this will settle all things.

13. Of your husband's warm affections towards you, I entertain no doubt—strive to preserve them by daily elevation of character; and not so much by fondness—as by prudence and dignity. May you both learn to raise a home of marital happiness—by mutual wisdom and love.

14. Observe great simplicity and plainness in dress. You should be a pattern to others in this respect. There is a just complaint made of many females who profess to be pious—that they are far too showy and mirthful in their outward apparel. Remember the apostle Peter's injunction, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

15. Christ has been made known to you fully and freely; let Christ be your all in all, both now and forever.

Receive my parting advice in love, and be assured, my beloved child, that it comes from the affectionate heart of your dear father.

The Hard Truth

This is a post my husband wrote 2 ½ years ago  The Hard Truth

Post taken from Covenant Blessings

 

After 15 years of marriage it doesn’t seem like we have scratched the surface in learning about marriage. During most of those years, our education on the subject came mostly from experience, trial and error, and watching others. During the last year Sonya and I have been reading a lot on the subject and discussing the subject together. It’s amazing how much one does not know even after 14 years.

I have learned more in the last year than the first 14 combined. It’s kind of sad really. The church is lacking so much in the area of discipleship and many Christians are suffering for it. What’s even more startling is that we were not on the lower end of the scale.

Most other Christian couples, and even those in ministry, are worse off than we were. This is by no means to say that we have arrived. It’s a humbling experience when a little knowledge only shows how ignorant you are.

Yet, in our self-assessment, we dishonestly tell everyone how great our marriages are. This is not the present reality in most Christian marriages. We have settled for “staying together” as the definition of a great marriage. I believe God had more than this in mind when He instituted marriage.

In studying marriage, I have been struck with the high standards we men are called to in the Word of God. Just think about what Paul commanded husbands to be when he wrote:

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.” Ephesians 5:25-31 (KJV)

We men like to emphasize and linger on verse 24 in this same chapter, along with similar verses, but I think we would do our marriage greater good if we would jump into Ephesians 5:25-31 and discover what it truly means to be a loving leader of the helpers God has given us for our completion. If we had more men fulfilling this passage written to husbands we wouldn’t have to reiterate verse 24 like a broken record.

I am by no means saying that the relationship depends all on the man. Many people like to focus on one extreme or the other. Some put all the emphasis, or blame, on the man or the woman. Truth is, it takes both the man and the woman desiring to glorify God to make a successful marriage.

However, many times, especially in fundamentalist circles, the man gets a free ride to fail in what God has called us to be while the woman receives all the condemnation for being married to a Satian (Satan-like) husband rather than a Christian (Christ-like) husband.

Men, think about it. Are we attempting to lovingly lead our wives as Christ would lead the church? Or, are we burdening our wives like Satan does the world?

~James

*We have now been married for over 17 years, and I am so thankful for the Godly influence my husband has been to me.  He is my Hero and my very best friend. ♥

Evenings with Victoria - Session 9

 

Evenings with Victoria Botkin - Session 9 - Review

(notes taken by Beth Braun)  last session

 

Let's answer a few questions...

Question: Did you have an end goal for each child for "graduation"?

Answer: We didn’t have graduation or even want our kids to think their education was now complete or their time for learning finished… Learning goes on throughout life. My children became too busy doing other things …real- life, work-related things…to sit at the kitchen table any more, and do book work with me.

My ‘school’ turned into ‘the Father’s school’. When my daughters began writing their book, I saw how internalizing their messages became important… The real “end goal” we had for all of them was to have messages--messages from Scripture–-which they felt the Lord wanted them to be teaching to their generation.

Question: I have a 12 year old daughter and, although I have been training her in the ways of managing a home, I do not feel like I have done so in a manner in which I can assess and quantify her skills. I have not had a plan for this and was wondering how you trained and assessed your daughters. Also, we saw the clip of the ceremony you held for Noah when he turned 13 on the Family Discipleship video series. Did you do something similar for your daughters? Can you describe what you did and the criteria you used to determine when to do it (was it based on age, skill level, etc?)

Answer: All I did to help them was to have my daughters help around the house. Nothing formal, such as ‘testing their skills.’ We didn’t ‘test.’ If something like…the bread turned out like a brick or the laundry didn’t get done right and ended up moldy…then the shortcomings became apparent on their own. It’s thinking like a public school teacher, like the government schools, to think you need to be ‘testing.’ Quantification and assessment are things that happen in government school classrooms. We really don’t need to think in those terms when we educate our children at home.

Also, the other part of the question, I think ‘coming of age’ ceremonies are OK. Just think about the messages and vision to convey and you what to accomplish with it. Remember, you are communicating not only to your daughter but the others invited also.

Question: My mother has a habit of gossiping and spreading unfavorable information about others, especially family members. I am a grown woman, a wife and mother, and yet I feel stuck between showing her respect and honor, and lovingly challenging her when she slips into gossip. It hurts me very much when she speaks ill of one of my siblings, or nieces and nephews. I have the sense that she also gossips to each of them about me. Would it be right from a biblical perspective, for me to speak to my mother about this gossip habit?

Answer: This is a challenging situation but it can be done with respect and honor. Tell your mother these things. Share verses on slander with her, like some I shared last week. It will be awkward and hard, but I can’t make it easier for you, tell you an easy solution—only you know the best way to approach your own mother. It will be difficult, but don’t let that stop you. Pray. Do be sure to communicate to your mother how much you love her and appreciate all she has done for you, all these years, as your mother.
Get your husband’s counsel, as to what he thinks you should do.

Question: We attend a church that consists of many families with many young children. Sunday school starts at 9:30. The morning service is generally over between noon and 12:30 and then we have lunch on the grounds, followed by an afternoon service from 1:30-2:30. My 4 children are 7, 5, 3 and 1… Release of energy for the boys is needed after the services, but then when the boys get together…War starts…Feelings begin to get hurt and unkind things are said. Animosity actually develops and the kids carry this home and complain about how "mean" or "unfair" the other "team" is. We agree with you in theory about our children not needing to play with other children their own age. We have seen the "fool" in practice. All of the children begin following the "lowest common denominator" as far as behavior is concerned. What should we do?

Answer: Here’s what my husband had to say, since this problem is not really in my jurisdiction, which is restricted to Titus 2:3-5. (It’s a church problem for the men to deal with-- pass this on to the other husbands.) First off…it’s the men who need to build the culture of the home, the church and the community. They need to talk about the strategy in the times you are together. How to manage things to be orderly—like intermissions between the meetings, instructions for kids or activities... What are children learning about the tone of the Sabbath day? Is war OK? Is unsupervised play OK? Perhaps the older men could teach them things. The men of the church need to consider what are the right activities for discipling the flock right now with the present needs of the body, and they need to be making continual adjustments to the culture of church activities.

Question: I have a question about something you mentioned a few sessions ago. You said you and your girls taught yourselves how to modulate your voices. How did you do this? I can't seem to find
very much about how to do this, on the internet.

Answer: We didn’t take speech classes or have speech coaches or professional training. We just tried to sound more caring, sensible, considerate, not like snarky valley girls. Reading a lot out loud would help make us listen to our voices, which we wanted to make sound better. We learned through trial and error.

Question: Mine is about whether or not Mom should/might need 'a break.' You mentioned one week that Moms should rest (take a nap) in order to serve more. What about resting from responsibility? Or a mental health break? My mom struggled with depression 30 years ago when she raised her 4 kids and her doctor prescribed one day off a week for her. She put us with a babysitter and took the day to window shop or just be away from responsibility. She and my dad are concerned about me and want to provide money for us to use to pay for a break for me. My husband is fine with using our financial resources for babysitting if we need to, but he's not convinced that we need to. He and I are very familiar with managing my sadness; he's been with me through all of my struggles with depression. I'm not sure what I think. My power verse lately has been Matthew 11:28-30. I'm asking God to show me his yoke, because I so often take on too much. I struggle with cleaning house, meals, laundry - every time I get a handle on things, our family outgrows my skills. When Matthew (the baby) was born, I thought that they only way to make life easier - or possible - was to stop homeschooling or stop having babies. And those are the two things I am convicted to do! And as for having more babies, my parents will certainly be supportive and welcoming to future babies, but my mom has told me that I am busy enough. The thought of getting pregnant is completely overwhelming! We are in the middle of taking two weeks off from school (as you suggested one week) in order to train the children to do more of the household chores. Most of the first week was filled with discipline and then we worked on pots and pans. We have decided to slowly bring school back - we need longer than two weeks to learn our chores. I want life to feel possible…

Answer: You do need to take care of your health so you do have something to give. But listen to your husband the most for advice. I think there should be a way to take care of yourself, as your mother says…without going the babysitter and window shopping route. You know, as a wife and mother, I had struggled with many of the same trials. But I really don’t think that an escape from responsibility is a Biblical answer.

You feel like you are taking on too much? Why don’t you try eliminating some of those things you have taken on that you called “too much”, that make you feel overwhelmed, like birthday shopping or wedding showers. Think, are these extra things I’m doing really essential? Psalm 34:14 “Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it.” Much of the hurry and scurry, hustle and bustle of 21st century life can be eliminated for our life. Streamline things for yourself like I said before. I think it would be wiser to hire someone to come in and help you with the housekeeping, than to hire a babysitter and leave the children.

Psa 63:5-8 “My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.” Meditate on the Word—This would renew you more than window shopping.

Prov 29:17 “Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.” My husband used to remind me of this verse. If the kids were not delighting me, well, I wasn’t disciplining them…which was true. Something I would teach my kids to have was some ‘library time’. Library time meant everyone sitting still, looking at books…no talking…no horseplay. It does take a time investment, but it’s worth it. Some train babies with ‘blanket time’, too. I’m not saying that you can never be away from your children, but they are so valuable, and such a sacred responsibility--given to you by God--that it seems like spending time away from them should be your last resort.

Let me tell you about a friend whose husband died while she was pregnant with their 5th child. Did she feel overwhelmed! Her doctor father put her on tranquilizers, then she needed ‘treatment’ for depression. Her situation was very, very hard, but when Jerry was born, it got worse...but then… She felt really bad that not only did her children not have a daddy…it was almost like they didn’t have a mommy either. And she knew this was not right. So one day, she just decided that she had to stop being depressed…she willfully CHOSE to be happy by… First, she dropped the anti-depressant drugs. She just started looking for things to thank the Lord for and she decided to obey the commands to rejoice, even though she didn’t feel happy, and she made herself smile. She told me that when she determined in her heart to be glad in the Lord, and be thankful…and started working at it, it was like that broke the cycle of her being continually down and depressed, and she really did start to come out of it. Yes, this is a “non-medical opinion”, but it was her real experience! Thinking on things true and honest and just and pure and lovely and of good report (Phil 4:8) helped. Thinking like it says in this verse-- Rom 8:6 “The mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace.” Set your mind on Him, His faith, kindness, mercy, etc.—it brings life and peace! So, believing God, and obeying his commands to rejoice and give thanks, even though she didn’t feel like it, broke the cycle of her depression and cured her of her depression a thing none of the medications or counselors had been able to do!

Let’s go over a summary of the last 8 weeks, the high points:

1). First we saw in Genesis, Eve’s rebellion and what she really was wanting: Gen 3:5 “…when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." What Eve wanted was the freedom to make her own rules, and not be bound by God’s rules. It’s not like “total rebellion”, turning your back on God and being a Christian…just WE want to be the ones to decide what is
wrong and what is right…and what is the right way for Christians to behave…instead of following what God’s Word says. Lots of the questions sent in by you ladies are summed up by this. Just obey God’s rules not make up our own. We need to read and study the Bible to know what God thinks…not the ladies at church or whoever else, and teach our kids the importance of doing the same.

As for the men get to run things, women are relegated to the back seat idea… Men are to be the judges in the gates, be in authority. But women in the Bible, beginning with Eve, are seen as VERY influential, from Bible times even to today! Think about Sarahs influence: war to this day between the descendants of Hagar and her son Isaac! Her good idea, well because it didn’t look like the Promise of God would literally happen through her… Bad idea, God didn’t need Sarah's help. And so to this day, Sarahs ‘good idea’… Look at the influence of Delilah…All of Solomon's wives. Jezebel on King Ahab. Women are very influential … with their men…for good or evil. That’s why Scripture was so explicit that God’s people were not to marry foreign wives--for good reason…

2). On a positive note, we have these verses about Sarah. 1 Peter 3:4-6 “let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.” The paradox: Sarah has gone down in history, not only as the woman who brought about a state of almost perpetual warfare in the Middle East, but also as a model to us of a holy woman who hoped in God.

Submission is not a sign of weakness, or spinelessness or doormat-ish-ness. Actually it is a sign of great strength, and submission results in great influence with our husbands. Children are to obey: Col 3:20 “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Submission or subjection is different than obedience. Submission means getting on board with your husband, and cooperating with him in his plan or goal or vision, rather than opposing or fighting him…so you are getting to use your creativity and intelligence! You submit even if you do not want to because it’s the RIGHT thing to do. When you refuse to submit to your husband, it is really God whom you are rebelling against.

3). The difference between apologizing for something and seeking forgiveness: We must know the difference because it’s necessary to maintain loving and close relationships. James 5:16 “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” Admit that you’ve sinned against—ADMIT the wrong, don’t just say “sorry”…which shifts the blame in a way.

A real confession consists of four things:
1. Identifying and stating what you did that was sin, and admitting that it was wrong
2. Saying you are sorry you did it
3. Asking the other party to forgive you
4. Saying you won’t do it again, or that you are trying to overcome this habit, in other words…repenting and making right the wrong, according to Scriptural principles of restitution, if that applies in your situation.

This is such an important verse: Prov 28:13 “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” Model biblical repentance for your kids’ sake! We all sin, stumble, etc., but help them learn not to hide sin but confess and forsake it!

Find the right balance as a Proverbs 31 woman. This is a good principle in Luke 10:41-42 “But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." If we mothers spend all of our time cleaning, and organizing and decorating…and none of our time teaching our children to love the lord our God and fear Him, and tremble at His word…we have not chosen the good portion.

Homes shouldn’t be our focus, though they are a base of operations for us, a means to an end but not the end themselves. Managing our households in such a way that we can live on our husband's income (and being thankful and content with it) is one of the most important ways we can help him.

4). Love characterizes us as Christians. John 13:35 “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." 1 John 4:8 “Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” 1 John 4:20 “If anyone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not
seen.”

Take a long, good look to see if we really are Christians or not. 2 Cor 13:5 “Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?--unless indeed you fail to meet the test!” Is your life characterized by love--love of your husband, children, other believers, unbelievers. Are you characterized by love—or enslaved by sin—and I’m not talking about the occasional slip-ups. What I’m saying is that you should examine yourself, if you seem to be unable to love your family, to see whether you are in the faith, like 2 Cor 13:5 says.

Saying the sinner’s prayer, growing up in a Christian home, making an altar call…doesn’t mean you are a Christian. Matt 7:21 "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.” A Christian is characterized by a desire to please God. A desire to please God results in a love of the Word of God, obedience to the Word of God, and a love of God’s people.

Now, of course we know that our obedience is not what saves us--Eph 2:8 “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God…” BUT as a result of our salvation, our lives will be very different than before. 2 Cor 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” A Christian will be characterized by these things--Gal 5:22-24 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.” Can you say these things characterize your life? Examine yourself. Acts 16:30-31 "Sirs, what must I do to be saved?" And they said, "Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household."

5). We can help our husbands by trying to be easy to love…by trying to be lovable. Several qualities they find attractive—respect your your husband, showing gratitude for supporting us with all his hard work, our cheerfulness, faith,and joy make us attract…and glorify the Lord! Our enthusiasm in doing things with our whole heart. We should speak words of life, healing… Eph 4:29 “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouths, but only such a word as is good for building up, according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear.” This should be our guide for our speech—words that give grace to the hearer.

6). What is an appropriate way for a Christian woman to look, and put herself together”--hair, make-up, jewelry, clothing.  Beauty is an attribute of God that we should desire to reflect in ourselves. We honor our husbands by trying to look nice --well-kept and well-dressed. To men, the main thing that makes women pretty is a pleasant expression: a happy, friendly, eager to please expression. Looking attractive is something we do to please our husbands and families. In our hair, as in our dress and in our mode of life, we need to be distinct from men. This is God’s will. And we should delight in this! God commands us to look like women, distinct from men.

7). We talked about loving our children by how we educate them. The Bible talks a lot about training them. Deuteronomy 6:4-9 is our great manifesto. This is our instruction on how to home school.

Deut 6:4-9 "Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”

This verse tells us why and how and when we should educate our children. We—not others—are commanded to teach to them to love the Lord with all their heart and soul and mind and strength. How and why and when: diligently as we go through life together. We teach our children to love God by expressing our own love of God, often and fervently. We must love God. When you read the Bible to your children, you must communicate awe and reverence. The way we express our attitude towards God and His word is everything. This is how we disciple our children. We should see everything, and teach our children to see everything, in relation to God and His word—for this whole world is God’s world…science, history, fine arts, etc., all subjects covered! Education is something that happens as you go through life together with your children.

8). James 5:16 “The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” Many have asked for advice in difficult situations—my only suggestion is to pray. Matt 7:7-11 "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”

9). The world’s wisdom is contrary to God’s wisdom. 1 Cor 1:20 “Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?” What the world calls ‘problems’ really can be blessings from God. ‘ADD kids’ that the world labels and drugs… But most of our “difficult” children don’t have a disorder at all…they have a gift! A gift from the Lord!

Titus 2:3-5 is our home verse—Read it again. Titus 2:3 “Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” We’ve touched on these things.

Last thing I have to say: what’s the most important thing we need to learn… Gal 4:3 “In the same way we also, when we were children, were enslaved to the elementary principles of the world.” Some women are still enslaved like this, as they were raised with public school, in a non-Christian home, etc. We need our minds renewed. Rom 12:2 “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

How do we do this? Here’s how--Eph 5:25 “Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.” The Word of God is what cleanses us and sanctifies us. We need to stop letting the world influence us. The Bible is the solution. All life’s problems are in there—with answers. We don’t need pseudo-sciences like psychology. We need to get to the place where we realize that the Bible has the answers to our problems and we need to get to the place where we can find those answers.

Don’t just read through your chapters, or have your selective devotional readings. Do more than just look at the Bible—study it! Use a computer Bible program; it’s a good reason to get a computer if you don’t have one! There are two good free programs—Blue Letter Bible, which is online, or the E-sword one you can download and use just on your computer. I used them to do word searches to learn all sort of things about these topics so things became so clear! Or you can use something like pen and paper with a Nave’s Topical Bible, and a Strong’s Concordance…however, when you use a computer program, it’s10X as fast to do your studies! Good tools are the best luxury. A Bible program on your computer is absolutely one of the most valuable tools in existence, maybe one of the most valuable tools in history. We Moms don’t have much time but we so desperately need to have Bible literacy. Study topics…like on God’s sovereignty. Study, really study, not just read. Be prepare to make a defense: hope that’s within you (v.) 1 Pet 3:15 “but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect…” Both Bible programs will help you do this. 2 Tim 2:15 “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth.” To help you rightly handle…these tools will help immensely. Teach your kids to use them. It’s fun! Guide them in looking for answers. This is a thing that is good (Titus 2:4)…teaching yourself and teaching your children to use these very valuable Bible study tools.

A life-changing verse for me was in the story about Joseph. You know it… Gen 50:16-19 “So they sent a message to Joseph, saying, "Your father gave this command before he died, 'Say to Joseph, Please forgive the transgression of your brothers and their sin, because they did evil to you.' And now, please forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of your father." Joseph wept when they spoke to him. His brothers also came and fell down before him and said, "Behold, we are your servants." But Joseph said to them, "Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.”

Joseph understood God’s sovereignty in his situation. Even if people plot evil against us…even if they actually DO evil against us…God can use it for good. Rom 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.”

It was God’s plan to move Jacob’s family to Egypt. It was to preserve them as a distinct people. They had begun to intermarry and intermingle with the heathen in Canaan, so He moved them where…they were looked down on as shepherds by the Egyptians, so they were no longer intermarrying. They were forced to keep to themselves, be set apart—which was a good thing! God wants the same for us. This is something we should think about, as Christians, because God wants us to be distinct from the world, too.

We need to trust God blindly with a child-like faith, like this verse says, Job 13:15 “Though he slay me, I will hope in Him…” Joseph hoped in God all those years, like he said in Gen 50:20,”You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.” Human events DON’T thwart God’s plan! Rom 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” We need to trust Him for this!

I want to thank God…it’s God’s grace that gave these things to me to share with you…for all these evenings, to God goes all the glory. Gen 32:10 “I am not worthy of the least of all these mercies, and of all the truth, which thou hast shown thy servant…”

If you’re interested, our family will participating in the Vision Forum Baby Conference. http://www.visionforumministries.org/events/bc/ Someone asked in a letter, how to go without the money and all the kids. Well, there are accommodations for families, but you can also get the sessions on DVD's. It’s just…they don’t record all the great fellowship we have in the hallways between the sessions! I really don’t like…that they come to end. To think heaven will be like sharing these times…the fellowship will never end….!!!

Goodbye…until we meet again. May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you all… Amen.

Who's The Boss?

Excerpt from Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

In today's feminist-dominated culture, the question of, 'Who's the boss?' can be a source of humor or conflict.  Many men have been cowed by the feminist argument that men and women are totally equal, and husbands don't have any more authority than their wives do. 

But for the Christian couple, the question is, what does the Bible teach about who has authority in the home?  We have already seen in chapter 17 that Paul lays out the biblical hierarchy of the home: The man is the head, and the wife is to be subject to him (see Eph. 5:22-23).  And we have seen that the good-willed husband does not try to use his position of head as some kind of club to beat down his wife and his children.  He acts responsibly - and lovingly - to be the leader that God has asked him to be.

Many Christian wives are uneasy with subjects like headship and authority.  When Paul pens lines like Eph. 5:22-23, he sounds hopelessly sexist, especially to women who have domineering husbands.  And it doesn't help any when he adds in 1 Tim. 2:12: "I do not allow a woman to...exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet."  In recent years there has been a movement in the church among some scholars and teachers to suggest that the Bible talks about "mutual submission" - that is, that men and women are to be equally subject to one another.  The text that is used for this position is Eph. 5:21: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

According to the mutual submission point of view, Eph. 5:21 means that "every Christian should be subject to every other Christian, and wives and husbands, especially, should be 'subject to one another.'"  The idea behind mutual submission in this sense is that the wife does not owe submission of any unique kind to her husband.

But if this is true, it is hard to explain Eph. 5:22, where wives are clearly told to "submit to your husbands as to the Lord".  As I mentioned in chapter 17, the Greek word for "submit" is hupotasso, which means to rank under or place under.  As a wife places herself under her husband's protection and provision, there will come moments when disagreements arise.  Honest stalemates can still happen.  If a decision must be made, the wife is called upon to defer to her husband, trusting God to guide him to make a decision out of love for her as the responsible head of the marriage.

We have already seen that Paul clearly teaches that there are times when wives should submit to their husbands as head of the household.  Does this mean that a wife must submit to something illegal, wrong, or evil?  Should she go along with being beaten by her husband or watching him beat the children?  Should she submit to his plans to do something dishonest or unethical?  The clear scriptural answer is, of course not, because that would be preposterous.  When a man acts in this way, he is not a good-willed husband, and he forfeits his right to be head and to be followed.  A wife's submission to God takes precedence over her submission to her husband.  She is not to sin against Christ in order to defer to her husband.  (Read the story of Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5:1-11.)  And, sadly, let me add, a wife may need to physically separate from her husband (1Cor. 7:11) or divorce him for adultery (Matthew 19:9)

Feminists say the Bible puts down women.  Actually, the Bible holds up women and gives them advice on how to realize their fondest desires.  You don't have to fight.  You don't have to push and push and struggle to understand him as you try to move closer only to have him coldly move away.  There is another way to get his love, and the Bible tells you what it is.  Your quiet and respectful behavior will win him.  This is the key to empowerment: you get what you want by giving him what he wants.

Grant your husband authority, as Scripture describes it, and things are much more likely to fall into place.  If you try to undermine his authority or subtly rebel against it, the Crazy Cycle will spring to life.  A woman who teaches other women in her church on the topic of marriage puts it better that I ever could: 

"I believe that ultimately a refusal to submit to or respect your husband is a refusal to trust in God.  If we as women believe that God is working in our lives and in our husbands' lives, and we can place ourselves under His authority, then we can submit to and respect our husbands."

Excerpt from Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Chapter 18:  Authority - His Desire to Serve and to Lead

Evenings with Victoria - Session 6

Evenings with Victoria Botkin - Session 6 - Thoughts on Beauty

(notes taken by Beth Braun)
 

This is a complicated and controversial topic: what is the appropriate way for a Christian woman to look, and put herself together, as in what should she wear for make-up, jewelry, or clothing? Well, what does the Bible say about this issue should be our answer…how should a woman adorn herself?

Beauty is an attribute of God that we should desire to reflect in ourselves. The Bible has a lot to say about beauty. Psalm 90:17 “And let the beauty of the LORD our God be upon us: and establish thou the work of our hands upon us; yea, the work of our hands establish thou it.” God created beauty with an intention. It is cultivated in so many ways.

For example, there is a command to beautify Aaron. Exodus 28:2 “And you shall make holy garments for Aaron your brother, for glory and for beauty.”

In this passage, God Himself beautified Israel; He adorned and made her beautiful. Ezek 16:9-15 “Then I bathed you with water and washed off your blood from you and anointed you with oil. I clothed you also with embroidered cloth and shod you with fine leather. I wrapped you in fine linen and covered you with silk. And I adorned you with ornaments and put bracelets on your wrists and a chain on your neck. And I put a ring on your nose and earrings in your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen and silk and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour and honey and oil. You grew exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty. And your renown went forth among the nations because of your beauty, for it was perfect through the splendor that I had bestowed on you, declares the Lord GOD. But you trusted in your beauty and played the harlot because of your renown and lavished your harlotry on any passerby; your beauty became his.” Note the contrast between God’s design for beauty and the contrary, selfish design later expressed in these verses. We see beauty is not bad: it is perfected and cultivated by God. However she used God’s gifts to her to attract other men to her. Her beauty then became disgusting to God and He judged her by taking away her beauty.

Look at these verses in Isaiah 3:16-24 “The LORD said: Because the daughters of Zion are haughty and walk with outstretched necks, glancing wantonly with their eyes, mincing along as they go, tinkling with their feet, therefore the Lord will strike with a scab the heads of the daughters of Zion, and the LORD will lay bare their secret parts. In that day the Lord will take away the finery of the anklets, the headbands, and the crescents; the pendants, the bracelets, and the scarves; the headdresses, the armlets, the sashes, the perfume boxes, and the amulets; the signet rings and nose rings; the festal robes, the mantles, the cloaks, and the handbags; the mirrors, the linen garments, the turbans, and the veils. Instead of perfume there will be rottenness; and instead of a belt, a rope; and instead of well-set hair, baldness; and instead of a rich robe, a skirt of sackcloth; and branding instead of beauty.” The Lord said He would take away her beauty and replace it because of her vanity about it, her haughtiness. Beauty is a blessing, we see, while ugliness is a curse.

Look at this verse--Jer 4:30 “And you, O desolate one, what do you mean that you dress in scarlet, that you adorn yourself with ornaments of gold, that you enlarge your eyes with paint? In vain you beautify yourself. Your lovers despise you; they seek your life.” We see this woman was dressed in scarlet, yet we also see in proverbs 31 that the woman was also clothed in scarlet and other fine things. We see that depending on the context, in the right context it’s OK, but not when it’s used in a bad way.

1Pe 3:3-4 “Your adornment must not be merely external-- braiding the hair and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses--but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.” These verses aren’t saying external beauty is bad. ‘Merely’ implies you should not be beautify yourself ONLY externally, but also seek to internally. Historically beauty has been recognized and admired outwardly. Today with influences such as the hippies, the women’s right movement, it seems women don’t wish to adorn themselves so as to be beautiful. Look at today’s models; it seems they LIKE to look sickly. But men like pretty women! 50 years ago women knew this and responded accordingly but not today! It seems anger and bitterness toward men by reacting towards femininity shows in how women appear.

According to a recent poll, these are the traits men find attractive in women: 1). smile/cheerfulness, 2). a feminine and delicate nature (delicate, soft, kind-hearted, caring, but not weak or insecure--feminine, confident, and carrying herself with grace,) and 3). a nice voice--feminine and soft (not extremely high pitched, shrill.) You know, some women are at war with God and at war with their own femininity.

Some Christian women, though, make the mistake of trying to show they are ‘being unworldly’ yet by neglecting their appearance to show they are focusing on ‘most important things’ it makes me think of these verses: Matt 6:16-18 "And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, (in other words, groom yourselves, as usual!) that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in
secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” Now I’m not talking about those crazy days we all have, but about women who DO have the time and just don’t bother trying to be attractive. Are they just trying to communicate some sort of super-spiritual selflessness? Look at Mephibosheth in 2 Sam 19:24 “And Mephibosheth the son of Saul came down to meet the king. He had neither taken care of his feet nor trimmed his beard nor washed his clothes, from the day the king departed until the day he came back in safety.” One commentary I consulted on this acknowledged the he was sincerely mourning the king’s departure, so his appearance was recorded. However this is an exception. Good grooming was a part of daily life in the Bible.

Perhaps it’s things like these, laziness, pietistic outlook, or bitterness toward your husband that can hamper your making yourself look attractive. Some women are nervous about trying to make themselves look more attractive because they think it seems worldly. No, this is not the case. The real issue is how we use beauty. This misunderstanding of the real issue stems from pietistic, Gnostic thinking. We have created a false separation in our minds between the secular and the sacred, the “spiritual” and the “worldly.” Set apart” doesn’t mean you just diverge from the world’s ways, being salt and light doesn’t mean you’re just being contrary just to be different. But we have a higher standard to be better: to disciple the world. Simply avoiding the world is not our calling...we are supposed to be discipling it.

The world has no right to own beauty. The world did not create beauty. God created beauty. God offers beautification. We aren’t leading in this area of beauty but rather are letting the world have it. Don’t just mindlessly conform to any trend out there, say Hannah Montana…or the frumpy jumper fashion. This is an important way we can love our husband: by trying to look nice--well-kempt and well-dressed--according to his wishes and convictions.

Here’s a question. Why can’t men just recognize our kindness, faithful hearts, and service to family—why not just these? Why do men place such importance on womanly beauty? Well, beautiful women are recognized and acknowledged all throughout Scripture, like Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Esther, etc.—all these women commended for their beauty. Beauty was part of Job’s blessing from God on his daughters. Job 42:15 “And in all the land were no women found so fair as the daughters of Job…” The Bible makes it clear that man’s appreciation of womanly beauty is legitimate.

Men are more likely to recognize beauty in women. If a woman looks relaxed, happy, makes an effort to look well-groomed, men will probably say she pretty. Here’s a quote, "…most men only visualize a woman's smile when they think about her." A poll found that when men looked at two photos of women, 66% of the men found the photo of the woman smiling, more attractive than the photo of the same woman wearing makeup, but not smiling. 60% of the men said that women, when not smiling, looked moody, disinterested, or hostile. A smile ranks by far the highest in "the first thing you look for in a woman." The main thing that makes a woman pretty is the pleasant expression, the happy, friendly, eager-to-please expression on the faces. It’s more important than the other things. You’re not doing it to glorify yourself or seek attention. The pursuit of beauty as a thing for themselves is the world’s perspective. Attracting the entire room’s attention is not our goal. It’s for others: for their sake we seek to look attractive; it’s a Christian goal. Looking attractive is something we do to please our husbands and families and others.

If a young woman has no self-discipline in this area when she’s single, how will they look later when they are older and the busy mothers of many young children? I remember in the Little House books… When Mary was going blind, and her mother sewing her ‘best dress’, Mary asked if she looked well. Her mother’s response: “No matter where you go, you will be a pleasure to every eye that sees you.” This was the object for the mother and daughter: it was just to give pleasure to eyes of others, not for themselves.

1Cor 6:19 “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” We are to glorify God in our bodies.

I looked up all these verses about beauty for women and these two main words stuck out: yawpheh and tobe. Yawpheh means ‘beautiful, fair, pleasant, well, goodly.’ Tobe means ‘good, cheerful, at ease, loving, merry, pleasant.’ Beauty for women by definition is more than bone structure and features. It’s an amazing truth, 1 Cor 6:19-20 our bodies are not our own…

Think about this:1 Cor 3:16 “Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple.” We should maintain our bodies in honor through diet and exercise and some degree of beautification. Neglect and poor stewardship are not appropriate ways to honor God with our bodies.

Now, let’s address jewelry. Some denominations frown on it as do some Christians. Well, how’s the Bible view jewelry? Look at these verses. Gen 24:22 “When the camels had finished drinking, the man took a gold ring weighing a half shekel, and two bracelets for her arms weighing ten gold shekels…” Gen 24:52-53 “When Abraham's servant heard their words, he bowed himself to the earth before the LORD. And the servant brought out jewelry of silver and of gold, and garments, and gave them to Rebekah. He also gave to her brother and to her mother costly ornaments.” Interesting how Rebekah was adorned with jewel as an acceptable ornamentation--and a bride price. And jewelry also was given to her brother and mother.

What does God do in Eze 16:11-13? “And I adorned you with ornaments and put bracelets on your wrists and a chain on your neck. And I put a ring on your nose and earrings in your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver.” Again we see in God’s Word an adorning with gold and silver. If jewelry was forbidden, why would Lord himself give these items and adorn her?

1Pe 3:3 “Your adornment must not be MERELY external--braiding the hair and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.” These verses are stressing that beauty is not to be just external. This is the principle: not merely external. It should not be the most important thing about us.

How about make-up? Jer 4:30 “And you, O desolate one, what do you mean that you dress in scarlet, that you adorn yourself with ornaments of gold, that you enlarge your eyes with paint? In vain you beautify yourself. Your lovers despise you; they seek your life.” Along with clothes and jewelry it’s considered a beautification routine. The Bible doesn’t specifically say to use or not use make-up. Anointing the skin with oil is in there as an acceptable thing.

I would say make-up is OK. The same principles apply to our use of make-up which we use for clothing and jewelry--modesty, discretion, taste, orderliness, and gender distinction. It’s not to be an over-glorification or a ‘return to the natural state’ thing either. The Christian mindset is that the natural man and the natural world need to be civilized, sanctified, refined, cultivated, built up, polished, reformed, advanced, developed, and taken dominion of. Strive to look natural, just not painted or artificial. The wise way to apply makeup is so that most people won’t notice that you are wearing it. The goal is not to draw all eyes to you by wearing it. Is purple eyelid color natural-looking?

I was a granola-eating college student when got married and had to learn to wear make-up and jewelry, nylons and pumps. I thought, this is so not me! But I did it for my husband. For example, when we moved to hot San Antonio, all the women wore open toe shoes, and…everyone painted their toenails. I didn’t want to—it’s so not me--but it was a mental hurdle I needed to overcome. I stuck to my closed toe shoes…but finally… I learned something from our heifer who decided she didn’t want to be leashed…but she wanted to enjoy that lush green grass over yonder. Finally when she learned to submit to that leash, she was led out to that wonderful green grassy field to graze on that she had been missing out on. So I began to change my shoes…and paint my toenails…to fit in. Instead of being proud of who we are…we should be proud of Christ’s ability to enable us to do all things! Even things we never, ever thought we would see ourselves do. Phil 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

Let’s talk about hair. 1Co 11:14-15 “Does not nature itself teach you that if a man wears long hair it is a disgrace for him, but if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her for a covering.” How long is long? We can see a principle in Deut 22:5 "A woman shall not wear a man's garment, nor shall a man put on a woman's cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your God.” The immediate design of this prohibition was to maintain the sanctity of that distinction of the sexes which was established by the creation of man and woman. The principle we find in this verse is that it is God’s will for women that they look like women--not just in clothes but all things. God’s will for women is that they look like women, like men should look like men. We should delight in these distinctions. In all things, do just what does your husband likes, don’t worry about what your hair stylist, church women, mom think about what color, style to fix etc.

1 Cor 11:7 “For a man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God, but woman is the glory of man.” Woman is the glory of man. Prov 12:4 “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.” Remember the principle of distinction between the sexes. Motives are an important part of what you: are you doing what you’re doing to seduce men or gain power over them, call attention to yourself, gain wealth, glorify yourself? The right desire is to glorify, and be the crown of your husband in beauty, honor, purity, holiness.

Another principle: modesty. Gen 3:7 “Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.” Gen 3:21 “And the LORD God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins and clothed them.” Gen 9:22-23 “And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father and told his two brothers outside. Then Shem and Japheth took a garment, laid it on both their shoulders, and walked backward and covered the nakedness of their father. Their faces were turned backward, and they did not see their father's nakedness.” Exposing your nakedness is obviously displeasing to the Lord. There are many commandments concerning nakedness.

Modesty can also mean something closely linked to propriety. 1 Tim 2:9 “likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness--with good works.” Calvin’s commentary cites… moderation. (I looked up a link to Calvin’s commentary on this passage, if you’re interested, as I couldn’t type fast enough to get the long quote from it: http://www.truecovenanter.com/calvin/calvin_17_on_Timothy.html ) To assign a limit is hard. Another commentary concerning modesty notes that you don’t come in rags but in decent raiment. For example, they washed their clothes before appearing before Lord at Mt. Sinai. (Ex 19:10)

Prov 31:22 “…her clothing is fine linen and purple.” A certain degree of beauty and adornment is appropriate, for example age-appropriate clothing. What about ambassadorship? 2 Cor5:20 “Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.” What does being an ambassador as a Christian imply?

1Cor 9:19-23 “For though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them. To the Jews I became as a Jew, in order to win Jews. To those under the law I became as one under the law (though not being myself under the law) that I might win those under the law. To those outside the law I became as one outside the law (not being outside the law of God but under the law of Christ) that I might win those outside the law. To the weak I became weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some. I do it all for the sake of the gospel, that I may share with them in its blessings.” To win more become all things to all men…which means you may have to adjust your clothes, like if you move to a different area or your husband’s station in life changes or we simply grow up. However, we may never lay aside the Scriptural principles of distinction between the sexes and modesty. And we may never use these verses to justify compromising other principles simply so we can selfishly follow worldly styles and trends. It doesn’t mean we imitate the world to ‘win them’! So often the reverse happens to the younger Christian—the world wins them!

We may need to change the way we dress to be more effective ambassadors for Christ. We may need to die to self. We are to be different from world. 1Cor 6:19 “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.”

How about wearing pants for women… We need to train ourselves to always approach every question or controversy from a Scriptural foundation. This is not addressed in the Bible. Selfish women will grudgingly seek the Word to find loophole for themselves… Because scripture does not address pants or slacks specifically, we must find the principles that address this garment and what is communicated when we choose to wear pants or not wear pants. Here’s what we have to go on: 1). the principles of distinction between the sexes, 2). the modesty issue, and 3). the issue that the actions of the Christian are never neutral.

Look, even dresses are not always modest. For me, I have decided to forego wearing pants in this feminist culture to help rebuild biblical foundations, as a statement to address the blurring of the distinction between the sexes in this culture. We should want to be part of the process of rebuilding biblical foundations of culture look at it as being part of a ‘resistance movement’. Isn’t that exciting? Our response to the blurring of the distinctions between the sexes in our culture is to be as distinctive as we can… as lady-like as we can. Our culture is a mess…we have the opportunity in our own homes and wardrobes to clean it up and create what WE think culture SHOULD look like.

So, what should we look like? God’s standard is beauty not ugliness. What message should we send to the culture? We have the opportunity to show God's standards to be as beautiful as they really are…to make modesty look beautiful instead of ugly…to make femininity look radiant instead of quaint, or dowdy, or restrictive. Prov 11:22 “Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.” Discretion is taste or judgment. You can be unappealing though you may be beautiful.

You should talk to your husband about these things and submit your will to his. You shouldn’t just think this is your jurisdiction alone, not his. Eph 5:24 “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” Follow your husband’s leadership in these areas, not today’s trends, even if other women you admire or are discipling you do differently…do what your husband wants you to do!

Psa 29:11 “May the LORD give strength to his people! May the LORD bless his people with peace!”