True or False Love

Written by Rachel Brown*

When I was young and immature, I pretty much took love at its basic concept, as any young child does.  I loved my parents, I loved my siblings, I loved my family, and I loved my friends.  What else was there?  That was love.  It wasn't until I began to grow up that my version of loved changed (particularly due to a demolished sense of love portrayed in romance novels).  Love was that beautiful thing of romance and flowers, gazing deeply into someone's eyes, being "in a relationship" with someone, saying sweet things, being told sweet things, candlelight, and "ooey gooey mush," as some people like to call it.  However, the more I find out about true love, the more I realize that there is so much more beneath the underlying surface of romance.

My dad told me to study 1 Corinthians 13—for it is the most precise chapter in the Bible on the meaning of true love—to deepen and develop my weak understanding of what love really is.  So I took him up on it.  I have read over 1 Corinthians 13 countless times, but it was only recently that I realized how superficially I had been reading it.  I had already understood that love suffers long, is kind, is patient, does not envy, and is not prideful, but I had never fully grasped what it is like in practice.

I am at a point and time in my life when I need the best understanding of love I can possibly receive.  Too many people have made mistakes concerning love and marriage, simply because of their misconception of that little word love, and have come to regret decisions later on in life.  Many marriages have failed because people do not understand what it really takes to love someone until death do them part, especially when "real life" hits.  Love is all that beatific, romanticism into practice, but it goes so much deeper into the heart and soul of a person.  As Voddie Baucham has said:

"Love is an act of the will accompanied by emotion that leads to action on behalf of its object."

There is plenty of emotion in love, more than enough in fact at its fullest, ripest phase.  However, the true test of love is found in 1 Corinthians 13.

"Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.  Love never faileth" (v. 4-8).

The character of love is one of the most important aspects.  As Daddy has said, anyone can romance; it takes a real love built upon the foundation of God's Word with Christ as head to last forever, even through the toughest times life brings our way [read: reality].  When I am old and gray, I still want my husband to say that he loves me just as much after fifty years of marriage as he did in the beginning, if not more.  I will have lost all earthly youth and beauty as wrinkles line my face and my hair has turned to gray, but I want him to love me just as much as ever before.  That could not be possible if our "love" was based solely on the youthful delight of passing romance.  True romance in love, however, will last forever, just like the old white-haired couple who still loves to hold hands after a lifetime together.  What could be sweeter?

From 1 Corinthians 13 we gather that love is a pretty selfless virtue.  It suffers long, is kind, patient, humble, does not envy, is not jealous, does not behave unseemly, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, rejoices in truth not iniquity, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, and never fails. 

Love says, "I will follow you to the ends of the earth if need be, suffering in patience anything that may annoy or irritate me."  Love says, "I am willing to sacrifice my selfish desires for your needs and even wants, no matter the cost to myself."  Love says, "I will be with you through the fire, through the raging storm, as well as during the best years of our lives."  Love says, "I will be your ever constant source of hope, encouragement, faithfulness, devotion, friendship, tears, smiles, happiness, sorrow, and joy."  Love says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."  Love says, "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things (1 Cor. 13:11).  Love says, "I will always be here for you, whatever may happen.  I am willing to lay down my life daily in self-sacrifice for you.  I will live for Christ and serve Him because I love Him most, but through loving Him I can love you more."  True love never ceases, never fails, and though sometimes it may falter or waver, Christ the architect always keeps it steady.  Love is forever.  True love is not the furtherance of self, but rather the laying down of self for others.

Oh yes, there is definitely mush in love.  That is the emotion that leads to action; the excitement that follows commitment; and the depth that cannot be measured.  True love without romance would not be love at all, for love has to have emotion.  In marriage there is deep emotion between husband and wife, just as God ordained.

Let's face it: love can be pretty blind to faults in another person.  Premature emotion can twist and distort the meaning and object of love, which is why one must be extremely cautious in applying emotional romance in courtship before marriage.  Too many times emotion blinds, until the revelation at the end ends in confusion, unhappiness, and broken hearts.  Romance in the early part of a courtship can actually be quite dangerous if it gets out of hand.  Joshua Harris, in his book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, said this:

"When we find ourselves attracted to someone, we need to make building a deeper friendship our first priority.  Too often we believe that relating in a romantic, exclusive relationship will automatically mean we'll be closer and know each other better.  But this doesn't always happen.  Although romance can be a more exciting level of relationship, it can also foster illusion and infatuation, obscuring the true character of each person involved.  Remember, as soon as we unleash our emotions in romantic love, our objectivity begins to fade.  For this reason, we need to focus on developing a closer friendship with a potential partner before introducing romance."

Every girl wants the romance.  It must be part of our womanly genetic system.  Because of this, we tend to speed things up in a friendship or courtship before marriage, when what we should be doing is concentrating on the most important: the character of the other person.  When the time comes that we have to decide on whom we marry, do we want to be confident because we have deepened the friendship and discovered the hidden person and character, or do we want to be so blinded by romance that we are rudely awakened to an unhappy and unfit marriage with lots of troubles later on?  Disaster is ripe and ready to be harvested when two people say they love each other, but both don’t truly understand what they mean.

This period of love is an extremely difficult one.  On the one hand, it can be the most glorious and fantastic time period of life.  On the other, sometimes it can be the most frustrating because we want to rush into something head-over-heels, without giving proper time to analyze and discover and grow.  Marriage is a committed covenant for life, and if the time before it is messed in in haste, we will regret it for the rest of our lives.  Caution is the best key in a beginning courtship.  In due time, if there is true love on both sides, it will bud and bring forth the most gorgeous flowers that purity can muster.

True love IS worth the wait.  Yes, it is hard to wait on the romance, and many times we make the mistake of rushing headlong into it, but it is a matter of being guided by God's wisdom and prudence, as well as the counsel of godly parents.  Is it wise to be led by emotion without realizing what true love is?  It is definitely fun, but unquestionably not wise.  God will bring forth the increase in His timing, if we are patient and faithful in doing what is right.  After all, in marriage two lovers can have all the romance that their hearts desire.

So, is it worth the wait to experience the first of everything in marriage, or is it better to go ahead and give pieces of our hearts way before it is the correct time at the alter?  Do we want to give our whole and unblemished heart to our future spouse, or just broken fragments of a once beautiful thing?

It depends on whether your love is true or false.

Rachel Brown is the oldest daughter of James and Sonya Brown.  You can read more about her on her blog, Covenant Maiden.