In today's feminist-dominated culture, the question of, 'Who's the boss?' can be a source of humor or conflict. Many men have been cowed by the feminist argument that men and women are totally equal, and husbands don't have any more authority than their wives do.
But for the Christian couple, the question is, what does the Bible teach about who has authority in the home? We have already seen in chapter 17 that Paul lays out the biblical hierarchy of the home: The man is the head, and the wife is to be subject to him (see Eph. 5:22-23). And we have seen that the good-willed husband does not try to use his position of head as some kind of club to beat down his wife and his children. He acts responsibly - and lovingly - to be the leader that God has asked him to be.
Many Christian wives are uneasy with subjects like headship and authority. When Paul pens lines like Eph. 5:22-23, he sounds hopelessly sexist, especially to women who have domineering husbands. And it doesn't help any when he adds in 1 Tim. 2:12: "I do not allow a woman to...exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet." In recent years there has been a movement in the church among some scholars and teachers to suggest that the Bible talks about "mutual submission" - that is, that men and women are to be equally subject to one another. The text that is used for this position is Eph. 5:21: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."
According to the mutual submission point of view, Eph. 5:21 means that "every Christian should be subject to every other Christian, and wives and husbands, especially, should be 'subject to one another.'" The idea behind mutual submission in this sense is that the wife does not owe submission of any unique kind to her husband.
But if this is true, it is hard to explain Eph. 5:22, where wives are clearly told to "submit to your husbands as to the Lord". As I mentioned in chapter 17, the Greek word for "submit" is hupotasso, which means to rank under or place under. As a wife places herself under her husband's protection and provision, there will come moments when disagreements arise. Honest stalemates can still happen. If a decision must be made, the wife is called upon to defer to her husband, trusting God to guide him to make a decision out of love for her as the responsible head of the marriage.
We have already seen that Paul clearly teaches that there are times when wives should submit to their husbands as head of the household. Does this mean that a wife must submit to something illegal, wrong, or evil? Should she go along with being beaten by her husband or watching him beat the children? Should she submit to his plans to do something dishonest or unethical? The clear scriptural answer is, of course not, because that would be preposterous. When a man acts in this way, he is not a good-willed husband, and he forfeits his right to be head and to be followed. A wife's submission to God takes precedence over her submission to her husband. She is not to sin against Christ in order to defer to her husband. (Read the story of Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5:1-11.) And, sadly, let me add, a wife may need to physically separate from her husband (1Cor. 7:11) or divorce him for adultery (Matthew 19:9)
Feminists say the Bible puts down women. Actually, the Bible holds up women and gives them advice on how to realize their fondest desires. You don't have to fight. You don't have to push and push and struggle to understand him as you try to move closer only to have him coldly move away. There is another way to get his love, and the Bible tells you what it is. Your quiet and respectful behavior will win him. This is the key to empowerment: you get what you want by giving him what he wants.
Grant your husband authority, as Scripture describes it, and things are much more likely to fall into place. If you try to undermine his authority or subtly rebel against it, the Crazy Cycle will spring to life. A woman who teaches other women in her church on the topic of marriage puts it better that I ever could:
"I believe that ultimately a refusal to submit to or respect your husband is a refusal to trust in God. If we as women believe that God is working in our lives and in our husbands' lives, and we can place ourselves under His authority, then we can submit to and respect our husbands."
Excerpt from Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
Chapter 18: Authority - His Desire to Serve and to Lead
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