Evenings with Victoria Botkin - Session 9 - Review
Let's answer a few questions...
Question: Did you have an end goal for each child for "graduation"?
Answer: We didn’t have graduation or even want our kids to think their education was now complete or their time for learning finished… Learning goes on throughout life. My children became too busy doing other things …real- life, work-related things…to sit at the kitchen table any more, and do book work with me.
My ‘school’ turned into ‘the Father’s school’. When my daughters began writing their book, I saw how internalizing their messages became important… The real “end goal” we had for all of them was to have messages--messages from Scripture–-which they felt the Lord wanted them to be teaching to their generation.
Question: I have a 12 year old daughter and, although I have been training her in the ways of managing a home, I do not feel like I have done so in a manner in which I can assess and quantify her skills. I have not had a plan for this and was wondering how you trained and assessed your daughters. Also, we saw the clip of the ceremony you held for Noah when he turned 13 on the Family Discipleship video series. Did you do something similar for your daughters? Can you describe what you did and the criteria you used to determine when to do it (was it based on age, skill level, etc?)
Answer: All I did to help them was to have my daughters help around the house. Nothing formal, such as ‘testing their skills.’ We didn’t ‘test.’ If something like…the bread turned out like a brick or the laundry didn’t get done right and ended up moldy…then the shortcomings became apparent on their own. It’s thinking like a public school teacher, like the government schools, to think you need to be ‘testing.’ Quantification and assessment are things that happen in government school classrooms. We really don’t need to think in those terms when we educate our children at home.
Also, the other part of the question, I think ‘coming of age’ ceremonies are OK. Just think about the messages and vision to convey and you what to accomplish with it. Remember, you are communicating not only to your daughter but the others invited also.
Question: My mother has a habit of gossiping and spreading unfavorable information about others, especially family members. I am a grown woman, a wife and mother, and yet I feel stuck between showing her respect and honor, and lovingly challenging her when she slips into gossip. It hurts me very much when she speaks ill of one of my siblings, or nieces and nephews. I have the sense that she also gossips to each of them about me. Would it be right from a biblical perspective, for me to speak to my mother about this gossip habit?
Answer: This is a challenging situation but it can be done with respect and honor. Tell your mother these things. Share verses on slander with her, like some I shared last week. It will be awkward and hard, but I can’t make it easier for you, tell you an easy solution—only you know the best way to approach your own mother. It will be difficult, but don’t let that stop you. Pray. Do be sure to communicate to your mother how much you love her and appreciate all she has done for you, all these years, as your mother.
Get your husband’s counsel, as to what he thinks you should do.
Question: We attend a church that consists of many families with many young children. Sunday school starts at 9:30. The morning service is generally over between noon and 12:30 and then we have lunch on the grounds, followed by an afternoon service from 1:30-2:30. My 4 children are 7, 5, 3 and 1… Release of energy for the boys is needed after the services, but then when the boys get together…War starts…Feelings begin to get hurt and unkind things are said. Animosity actually develops and the kids carry this home and complain about how "mean" or "unfair" the other "team" is. We agree with you in theory about our children not needing to play with other children their own age. We have seen the "fool" in practice. All of the children begin following the "lowest common denominator" as far as behavior is concerned. What should we do?
Answer: Here’s what my husband had to say, since this problem is not really in my jurisdiction, which is restricted to Titus 2:3-5. (It’s a church problem for the men to deal with-- pass this on to the other husbands.) First off…it’s the men who need to build the culture of the home, the church and the community. They need to talk about the strategy in the times you are together. How to manage things to be orderly—like intermissions between the meetings, instructions for kids or activities... What are children learning about the tone of the Sabbath day? Is war OK? Is unsupervised play OK? Perhaps the older men could teach them things. The men of the church need to consider what are the right activities for discipling the flock right now with the present needs of the body, and they need to be making continual adjustments to the culture of church activities.
Question: I have a question about something you mentioned a few sessions ago. You said you and your girls taught yourselves how to modulate your voices. How did you do this? I can't seem to find
very much about how to do this, on the internet.
Answer: We didn’t take speech classes or have speech coaches or professional training. We just tried to sound more caring, sensible, considerate, not like snarky valley girls. Reading a lot out loud would help make us listen to our voices, which we wanted to make sound better. We learned through trial and error.
Question: Mine is about whether or not Mom should/might need 'a break.' You mentioned one week that Moms should rest (take a nap) in order to serve more. What about resting from responsibility? Or a mental health break? My mom struggled with depression 30 years ago when she raised her 4 kids and her doctor prescribed one day off a week for her. She put us with a babysitter and took the day to window shop or just be away from responsibility. She and my dad are concerned about me and want to provide money for us to use to pay for a break for me. My husband is fine with using our financial resources for babysitting if we need to, but he's not convinced that we need to. He and I are very familiar with managing my sadness; he's been with me through all of my struggles with depression. I'm not sure what I think. My power verse lately has been Matthew 11:28-30. I'm asking God to show me his yoke, because I so often take on too much. I struggle with cleaning house, meals, laundry - every time I get a handle on things, our family outgrows my skills. When Matthew (the baby) was born, I thought that they only way to make life easier - or possible - was to stop homeschooling or stop having babies. And those are the two things I am convicted to do! And as for having more babies, my parents will certainly be supportive and welcoming to future babies, but my mom has told me that I am busy enough. The thought of getting pregnant is completely overwhelming! We are in the middle of taking two weeks off from school (as you suggested one week) in order to train the children to do more of the household chores. Most of the first week was filled with discipline and then we worked on pots and pans. We have decided to slowly bring school back - we need longer than two weeks to learn our chores. I want life to feel possible…
Answer: You do need to take care of your health so you do have something to give. But listen to your husband the most for advice. I think there should be a way to take care of yourself, as your mother says…without going the babysitter and window shopping route. You know, as a wife and mother, I had struggled with many of the same trials. But I really don’t think that an escape from responsibility is a Biblical answer.
You feel like you are taking on too much? Why don’t you try eliminating some of those things you have taken on that you called “too much”, that make you feel overwhelmed, like birthday shopping or wedding showers. Think, are these extra things I’m doing really essential? Psalm 34:14 “Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it.” Much of the hurry and scurry, hustle and bustle of 21st century life can be eliminated for our life. Streamline things for yourself like I said before. I think it would be wiser to hire someone to come in and help you with the housekeeping, than to hire a babysitter and leave the children.
Psa 63:5-8 “My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.” Meditate on the Word—This would renew you more than window shopping.
Prov 29:17 “Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.” My husband used to remind me of this verse. If the kids were not delighting me, well, I wasn’t disciplining them…which was true. Something I would teach my kids to have was some ‘library time’. Library time meant everyone sitting still, looking at books…no talking…no horseplay. It does take a time investment, but it’s worth it. Some train babies with ‘blanket time’, too. I’m not saying that you can never be away from your children, but they are so valuable, and such a sacred responsibility--given to you by God--that it seems like spending time away from them should be your last resort.
Let me tell you about a friend whose husband died while she was pregnant with their 5th child. Did she feel overwhelmed! Her doctor father put her on tranquilizers, then she needed ‘treatment’ for depression. Her situation was very, very hard, but when Jerry was born, it got worse...but then… She felt really bad that not only did her children not have a daddy…it was almost like they didn’t have a mommy either. And she knew this was not right. So one day, she just decided that she had to stop being depressed…she willfully CHOSE to be happy by… First, she dropped the anti-depressant drugs. She just started looking for things to thank the Lord for and she decided to obey the commands to rejoice, even though she didn’t feel happy, and she made herself smile. She told me that when she determined in her heart to be glad in the Lord, and be thankful…and started working at it, it was like that broke the cycle of her being continually down and depressed, and she really did start to come out of it. Yes, this is a “non-medical opinion”, but it was her real experience! Thinking on things true and honest and just and pure and lovely and of good report (Phil 4:8) helped. Thinking like it says in this verse-- Rom 8:6 “The mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace.” Set your mind on Him, His faith, kindness, mercy, etc.—it brings life and peace! So, believing God, and obeying his commands to rejoice and give thanks, even though she didn’t feel like it, broke the cycle of her depression and cured her of her depression a thing none of the medications or counselors had been able to do!
Let’s go over a summary of the last 8 weeks, the high points:
1). First we saw in Genesis, Eve’s rebellion and what she really was wanting: Gen 3:5 “…when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." What Eve wanted was the freedom to make her own rules, and not be bound by God’s rules. It’s not like “total rebellion”, turning your back on God and being a Christian…just WE want to be the ones to decide what is
wrong and what is right…and what is the right way for Christians to behave…instead of following what God’s Word says. Lots of the questions sent in by you ladies are summed up by this. Just obey God’s rules not make up our own. We need to read and study the Bible to know what God thinks…not the ladies at church or whoever else, and teach our kids the importance of doing the same.
As for the men get to run things, women are relegated to the back seat idea… Men are to be the judges in the gates, be in authority. But women in the Bible, beginning with Eve, are seen as VERY influential, from Bible times even to today! Think about Sarahs influence: war to this day between the descendants of Hagar and her son Isaac! Her good idea, well because it didn’t look like the Promise of God would literally happen through her… Bad idea, God didn’t need Sarah's help. And so to this day, Sarahs ‘good idea’… Look at the influence of Delilah…All of Solomon's wives. Jezebel on King Ahab. Women are very influential … with their men…for good or evil. That’s why Scripture was so explicit that God’s people were not to marry foreign wives--for good reason…
2). On a positive note, we have these verses about Sarah. 1 Peter 3:4-6 “let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.” The paradox: Sarah has gone down in history, not only as the woman who brought about a state of almost perpetual warfare in the Middle East, but also as a model to us of a holy woman who hoped in God.
Submission is not a sign of weakness, or spinelessness or doormat-ish-ness. Actually it is a sign of great strength, and submission results in great influence with our husbands. Children are to obey: Col 3:20 “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Submission or subjection is different than obedience. Submission means getting on board with your husband, and cooperating with him in his plan or goal or vision, rather than opposing or fighting him…so you are getting to use your creativity and intelligence! You submit even if you do not want to because it’s the RIGHT thing to do. When you refuse to submit to your husband, it is really God whom you are rebelling against.
3). The difference between apologizing for something and seeking forgiveness: We must know the difference because it’s necessary to maintain loving and close relationships. James 5:16 “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” Admit that you’ve sinned against—ADMIT the wrong, don’t just say “sorry”…which shifts the blame in a way.
A real confession consists of four things:
1. Identifying and stating what you did that was sin, and admitting that it was wrong
2. Saying you are sorry you did it
3. Asking the other party to forgive you
4. Saying you won’t do it again, or that you are trying to overcome this habit, in other words…repenting and making right the wrong, according to Scriptural principles of restitution, if that applies in your situation.
This is such an important verse: Prov 28:13 “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” Model biblical repentance for your kids’ sake! We all sin, stumble, etc., but help them learn not to hide sin but confess and forsake it!
Find the right balance as a Proverbs 31 woman. This is a good principle in Luke 10:41-42 “But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." If we mothers spend all of our time cleaning, and organizing and decorating…and none of our time teaching our children to love the lord our God and fear Him, and tremble at His word…we have not chosen the good portion.
Homes shouldn’t be our focus, though they are a base of operations for us, a means to an end but not the end themselves. Managing our households in such a way that we can live on our husband's income (and being thankful and content with it) is one of the most important ways we can help him.
4). Love characterizes us as Christians. John 13:35 “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." 1 John 4:8 “Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” 1 John 4:20 “If anyone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not
seen.”
Take a long, good look to see if we really are Christians or not. 2 Cor 13:5 “Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?--unless indeed you fail to meet the test!” Is your life characterized by love--love of your husband, children, other believers, unbelievers. Are you characterized by love—or enslaved by sin—and I’m not talking about the occasional slip-ups. What I’m saying is that you should examine yourself, if you seem to be unable to love your family, to see whether you are in the faith, like 2 Cor 13:5 says.
Saying the sinner’s prayer, growing up in a Christian home, making an altar call…doesn’t mean you are a Christian. Matt 7:21 "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.” A Christian is characterized by a desire to please God. A desire to please God results in a love of the Word of God, obedience to the Word of God, and a love of God’s people.
Now, of course we know that our obedience is not what saves us--Eph 2:8 “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God…” BUT as a result of our salvation, our lives will be very different than before. 2 Cor 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” A Christian will be characterized by these things--Gal 5:22-24 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.” Can you say these things characterize your life? Examine yourself. Acts 16:30-31 "Sirs, what must I do to be saved?" And they said, "Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household."
5). We can help our husbands by trying to be easy to love…by trying to be lovable. Several qualities they find attractive—respect your your husband, showing gratitude for supporting us with all his hard work, our cheerfulness, faith,and joy make us attract…and glorify the Lord! Our enthusiasm in doing things with our whole heart. We should speak words of life, healing… Eph 4:29 “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouths, but only such a word as is good for building up, according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear.” This should be our guide for our speech—words that give grace to the hearer.
6). What is an appropriate way for a Christian woman to look, and put herself together”--hair, make-up, jewelry, clothing. Beauty is an attribute of God that we should desire to reflect in ourselves. We honor our husbands by trying to look nice --well-kept and well-dressed. To men, the main thing that makes women pretty is a pleasant expression: a happy, friendly, eager to please expression. Looking attractive is something we do to please our husbands and families. In our hair, as in our dress and in our mode of life, we need to be distinct from men. This is God’s will. And we should delight in this! God commands us to look like women, distinct from men.
7). We talked about loving our children by how we educate them. The Bible talks a lot about training them. Deuteronomy 6:4-9 is our great manifesto. This is our instruction on how to home school.
Deut 6:4-9 "Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”
This verse tells us why and how and when we should educate our children. We—not others—are commanded to teach to them to love the Lord with all their heart and soul and mind and strength. How and why and when: diligently as we go through life together. We teach our children to love God by expressing our own love of God, often and fervently. We must love God. When you read the Bible to your children, you must communicate awe and reverence. The way we express our attitude towards God and His word is everything. This is how we disciple our children. We should see everything, and teach our children to see everything, in relation to God and His word—for this whole world is God’s world…science, history, fine arts, etc., all subjects covered! Education is something that happens as you go through life together with your children.
8). James 5:16 “The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” Many have asked for advice in difficult situations—my only suggestion is to pray. Matt 7:7-11 "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”
9). The world’s wisdom is contrary to God’s wisdom. 1 Cor 1:20 “Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?” What the world calls ‘problems’ really can be blessings from God. ‘ADD kids’ that the world labels and drugs… But most of our “difficult” children don’t have a disorder at all…they have a gift! A gift from the Lord!
Titus 2:3-5 is our home verse—Read it again. Titus 2:3 “Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” We’ve touched on these things.
Last thing I have to say: what’s the most important thing we need to learn… Gal 4:3 “In the same way we also, when we were children, were enslaved to the elementary principles of the world.” Some women are still enslaved like this, as they were raised with public school, in a non-Christian home, etc. We need our minds renewed. Rom 12:2 “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
How do we do this? Here’s how--Eph 5:25 “Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.” The Word of God is what cleanses us and sanctifies us. We need to stop letting the world influence us. The Bible is the solution. All life’s problems are in there—with answers. We don’t need pseudo-sciences like psychology. We need to get to the place where we realize that the Bible has the answers to our problems and we need to get to the place where we can find those answers.
Don’t just read through your chapters, or have your selective devotional readings. Do more than just look at the Bible—study it! Use a computer Bible program; it’s a good reason to get a computer if you don’t have one! There are two good free programs—Blue Letter Bible, which is online, or the E-sword one you can download and use just on your computer. I used them to do word searches to learn all sort of things about these topics so things became so clear! Or you can use something like pen and paper with a Nave’s Topical Bible, and a Strong’s Concordance…however, when you use a computer program, it’s10X as fast to do your studies! Good tools are the best luxury. A Bible program on your computer is absolutely one of the most valuable tools in existence, maybe one of the most valuable tools in history. We Moms don’t have much time but we so desperately need to have Bible literacy. Study topics…like on God’s sovereignty. Study, really study, not just read. Be prepare to make a defense: hope that’s within you (v.) 1 Pet 3:15 “but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect…” Both Bible programs will help you do this. 2 Tim 2:15 “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth.” To help you rightly handle…these tools will help immensely. Teach your kids to use them. It’s fun! Guide them in looking for answers. This is a thing that is good (Titus 2:4)…teaching yourself and teaching your children to use these very valuable Bible study tools.
A life-changing verse for me was in the story about Joseph. You know it… Gen 50:16-19 “So they sent a message to Joseph, saying, "Your father gave this command before he died, 'Say to Joseph, Please forgive the transgression of your brothers and their sin, because they did evil to you.' And now, please forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of your father." Joseph wept when they spoke to him. His brothers also came and fell down before him and said, "Behold, we are your servants." But Joseph said to them, "Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.”
Joseph understood God’s sovereignty in his situation. Even if people plot evil against us…even if they actually DO evil against us…God can use it for good. Rom 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.”
It was God’s plan to move Jacob’s family to Egypt. It was to preserve them as a distinct people. They had begun to intermarry and intermingle with the heathen in Canaan, so He moved them where…they were looked down on as shepherds by the Egyptians, so they were no longer intermarrying. They were forced to keep to themselves, be set apart—which was a good thing! God wants the same for us. This is something we should think about, as Christians, because God wants us to be distinct from the world, too.
We need to trust God blindly with a child-like faith, like this verse says, Job 13:15 “Though he slay me, I will hope in Him…” Joseph hoped in God all those years, like he said in Gen 50:20,”You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.” Human events DON’T thwart God’s plan! Rom 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” We need to trust Him for this!
I want to thank God…it’s God’s grace that gave these things to me to share with you…for all these evenings, to God goes all the glory. Gen 32:10 “I am not worthy of the least of all these mercies, and of all the truth, which thou hast shown thy servant…”
If you’re interested, our family will participating in the Vision Forum Baby Conference. http://www.visionforummini
Goodbye…until we meet again. May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you all… Amen.
Question: Did you have an end goal for each child for "graduation"?
Answer: We didn’t have graduation or even want our kids to think their education was now complete or their time for learning finished… Learning goes on throughout life. My children became too busy doing other things …real- life, work-related things…to sit at the kitchen table any more, and do book work with me.
My ‘school’ turned into ‘the Father’s school’. When my daughters began writing their book, I saw how internalizing their messages became important… The real “end goal” we had for all of them was to have messages--messages from Scripture–-which they felt the Lord wanted them to be teaching to their generation.
Question: I have a 12 year old daughter and, although I have been training her in the ways of managing a home, I do not feel like I have done so in a manner in which I can assess and quantify her skills. I have not had a plan for this and was wondering how you trained and assessed your daughters. Also, we saw the clip of the ceremony you held for Noah when he turned 13 on the Family Discipleship video series. Did you do something similar for your daughters? Can you describe what you did and the criteria you used to determine when to do it (was it based on age, skill level, etc?)
Answer: All I did to help them was to have my daughters help around the house. Nothing formal, such as ‘testing their skills.’ We didn’t ‘test.’ If something like…the bread turned out like a brick or the laundry didn’t get done right and ended up moldy…then the shortcomings became apparent on their own. It’s thinking like a public school teacher, like the government schools, to think you need to be ‘testing.’ Quantification and assessment are things that happen in government school classrooms. We really don’t need to think in those terms when we educate our children at home.
Also, the other part of the question, I think ‘coming of age’ ceremonies are OK. Just think about the messages and vision to convey and you what to accomplish with it. Remember, you are communicating not only to your daughter but the others invited also.
Question: My mother has a habit of gossiping and spreading unfavorable information about others, especially family members. I am a grown woman, a wife and mother, and yet I feel stuck between showing her respect and honor, and lovingly challenging her when she slips into gossip. It hurts me very much when she speaks ill of one of my siblings, or nieces and nephews. I have the sense that she also gossips to each of them about me. Would it be right from a biblical perspective, for me to speak to my mother about this gossip habit?
Answer: This is a challenging situation but it can be done with respect and honor. Tell your mother these things. Share verses on slander with her, like some I shared last week. It will be awkward and hard, but I can’t make it easier for you, tell you an easy solution—only you know the best way to approach your own mother. It will be difficult, but don’t let that stop you. Pray. Do be sure to communicate to your mother how much you love her and appreciate all she has done for you, all these years, as your mother.
Get your husband’s counsel, as to what he thinks you should do.
Question: We attend a church that consists of many families with many young children. Sunday school starts at 9:30. The morning service is generally over between noon and 12:30 and then we have lunch on the grounds, followed by an afternoon service from 1:30-2:30. My 4 children are 7, 5, 3 and 1… Release of energy for the boys is needed after the services, but then when the boys get together…War starts…Feelings begin to get hurt and unkind things are said. Animosity actually develops and the kids carry this home and complain about how "mean" or "unfair" the other "team" is. We agree with you in theory about our children not needing to play with other children their own age. We have seen the "fool" in practice. All of the children begin following the "lowest common denominator" as far as behavior is concerned. What should we do?
Answer: Here’s what my husband had to say, since this problem is not really in my jurisdiction, which is restricted to Titus 2:3-5. (It’s a church problem for the men to deal with-- pass this on to the other husbands.) First off…it’s the men who need to build the culture of the home, the church and the community. They need to talk about the strategy in the times you are together. How to manage things to be orderly—like intermissions between the meetings, instructions for kids or activities... What are children learning about the tone of the Sabbath day? Is war OK? Is unsupervised play OK? Perhaps the older men could teach them things. The men of the church need to consider what are the right activities for discipling the flock right now with the present needs of the body, and they need to be making continual adjustments to the culture of church activities.
Question: I have a question about something you mentioned a few sessions ago. You said you and your girls taught yourselves how to modulate your voices. How did you do this? I can't seem to find
very much about how to do this, on the internet.
Answer: We didn’t take speech classes or have speech coaches or professional training. We just tried to sound more caring, sensible, considerate, not like snarky valley girls. Reading a lot out loud would help make us listen to our voices, which we wanted to make sound better. We learned through trial and error.
Question: Mine is about whether or not Mom should/might need 'a break.' You mentioned one week that Moms should rest (take a nap) in order to serve more. What about resting from responsibility? Or a mental health break? My mom struggled with depression 30 years ago when she raised her 4 kids and her doctor prescribed one day off a week for her. She put us with a babysitter and took the day to window shop or just be away from responsibility. She and my dad are concerned about me and want to provide money for us to use to pay for a break for me. My husband is fine with using our financial resources for babysitting if we need to, but he's not convinced that we need to. He and I are very familiar with managing my sadness; he's been with me through all of my struggles with depression. I'm not sure what I think. My power verse lately has been Matthew 11:28-30. I'm asking God to show me his yoke, because I so often take on too much. I struggle with cleaning house, meals, laundry - every time I get a handle on things, our family outgrows my skills. When Matthew (the baby) was born, I thought that they only way to make life easier - or possible - was to stop homeschooling or stop having babies. And those are the two things I am convicted to do! And as for having more babies, my parents will certainly be supportive and welcoming to future babies, but my mom has told me that I am busy enough. The thought of getting pregnant is completely overwhelming! We are in the middle of taking two weeks off from school (as you suggested one week) in order to train the children to do more of the household chores. Most of the first week was filled with discipline and then we worked on pots and pans. We have decided to slowly bring school back - we need longer than two weeks to learn our chores. I want life to feel possible…
Answer: You do need to take care of your health so you do have something to give. But listen to your husband the most for advice. I think there should be a way to take care of yourself, as your mother says…without going the babysitter and window shopping route. You know, as a wife and mother, I had struggled with many of the same trials. But I really don’t think that an escape from responsibility is a Biblical answer.
You feel like you are taking on too much? Why don’t you try eliminating some of those things you have taken on that you called “too much”, that make you feel overwhelmed, like birthday shopping or wedding showers. Think, are these extra things I’m doing really essential? Psalm 34:14 “Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it.” Much of the hurry and scurry, hustle and bustle of 21st century life can be eliminated for our life. Streamline things for yourself like I said before. I think it would be wiser to hire someone to come in and help you with the housekeeping, than to hire a babysitter and leave the children.
Psa 63:5-8 “My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.” Meditate on the Word—This would renew you more than window shopping.
Prov 29:17 “Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.” My husband used to remind me of this verse. If the kids were not delighting me, well, I wasn’t disciplining them…which was true. Something I would teach my kids to have was some ‘library time’. Library time meant everyone sitting still, looking at books…no talking…no horseplay. It does take a time investment, but it’s worth it. Some train babies with ‘blanket time’, too. I’m not saying that you can never be away from your children, but they are so valuable, and such a sacred responsibility--given to you by God--that it seems like spending time away from them should be your last resort.
Let me tell you about a friend whose husband died while she was pregnant with their 5th child. Did she feel overwhelmed! Her doctor father put her on tranquilizers, then she needed ‘treatment’ for depression. Her situation was very, very hard, but when Jerry was born, it got worse...but then… She felt really bad that not only did her children not have a daddy…it was almost like they didn’t have a mommy either. And she knew this was not right. So one day, she just decided that she had to stop being depressed…she willfully CHOSE to be happy by… First, she dropped the anti-depressant drugs. She just started looking for things to thank the Lord for and she decided to obey the commands to rejoice, even though she didn’t feel happy, and she made herself smile. She told me that when she determined in her heart to be glad in the Lord, and be thankful…and started working at it, it was like that broke the cycle of her being continually down and depressed, and she really did start to come out of it. Yes, this is a “non-medical opinion”, but it was her real experience! Thinking on things true and honest and just and pure and lovely and of good report (Phil 4:8) helped. Thinking like it says in this verse-- Rom 8:6 “The mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace.” Set your mind on Him, His faith, kindness, mercy, etc.—it brings life and peace! So, believing God, and obeying his commands to rejoice and give thanks, even though she didn’t feel like it, broke the cycle of her depression and cured her of her depression a thing none of the medications or counselors had been able to do!
Let’s go over a summary of the last 8 weeks, the high points:
1). First we saw in Genesis, Eve’s rebellion and what she really was wanting: Gen 3:5 “…when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." What Eve wanted was the freedom to make her own rules, and not be bound by God’s rules. It’s not like “total rebellion”, turning your back on God and being a Christian…just WE want to be the ones to decide what is
wrong and what is right…and what is the right way for Christians to behave…instead of following what God’s Word says. Lots of the questions sent in by you ladies are summed up by this. Just obey God’s rules not make up our own. We need to read and study the Bible to know what God thinks…not the ladies at church or whoever else, and teach our kids the importance of doing the same.
As for the men get to run things, women are relegated to the back seat idea… Men are to be the judges in the gates, be in authority. But women in the Bible, beginning with Eve, are seen as VERY influential, from Bible times even to today! Think about Sarahs influence: war to this day between the descendants of Hagar and her son Isaac! Her good idea, well because it didn’t look like the Promise of God would literally happen through her… Bad idea, God didn’t need Sarah's help. And so to this day, Sarahs ‘good idea’… Look at the influence of Delilah…All of Solomon's wives. Jezebel on King Ahab. Women are very influential … with their men…for good or evil. That’s why Scripture was so explicit that God’s people were not to marry foreign wives--for good reason…
2). On a positive note, we have these verses about Sarah. 1 Peter 3:4-6 “let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.” The paradox: Sarah has gone down in history, not only as the woman who brought about a state of almost perpetual warfare in the Middle East, but also as a model to us of a holy woman who hoped in God.
Submission is not a sign of weakness, or spinelessness or doormat-ish-ness. Actually it is a sign of great strength, and submission results in great influence with our husbands. Children are to obey: Col 3:20 “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Submission or subjection is different than obedience. Submission means getting on board with your husband, and cooperating with him in his plan or goal or vision, rather than opposing or fighting him…so you are getting to use your creativity and intelligence! You submit even if you do not want to because it’s the RIGHT thing to do. When you refuse to submit to your husband, it is really God whom you are rebelling against.
3). The difference between apologizing for something and seeking forgiveness: We must know the difference because it’s necessary to maintain loving and close relationships. James 5:16 “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” Admit that you’ve sinned against—ADMIT the wrong, don’t just say “sorry”…which shifts the blame in a way.
A real confession consists of four things:
1. Identifying and stating what you did that was sin, and admitting that it was wrong
2. Saying you are sorry you did it
3. Asking the other party to forgive you
4. Saying you won’t do it again, or that you are trying to overcome this habit, in other words…repenting and making right the wrong, according to Scriptural principles of restitution, if that applies in your situation.
This is such an important verse: Prov 28:13 “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” Model biblical repentance for your kids’ sake! We all sin, stumble, etc., but help them learn not to hide sin but confess and forsake it!
Find the right balance as a Proverbs 31 woman. This is a good principle in Luke 10:41-42 “But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." If we mothers spend all of our time cleaning, and organizing and decorating…and none of our time teaching our children to love the lord our God and fear Him, and tremble at His word…we have not chosen the good portion.
Homes shouldn’t be our focus, though they are a base of operations for us, a means to an end but not the end themselves. Managing our households in such a way that we can live on our husband's income (and being thankful and content with it) is one of the most important ways we can help him.
4). Love characterizes us as Christians. John 13:35 “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." 1 John 4:8 “Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” 1 John 4:20 “If anyone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not
seen.”
Take a long, good look to see if we really are Christians or not. 2 Cor 13:5 “Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?--unless indeed you fail to meet the test!” Is your life characterized by love--love of your husband, children, other believers, unbelievers. Are you characterized by love—or enslaved by sin—and I’m not talking about the occasional slip-ups. What I’m saying is that you should examine yourself, if you seem to be unable to love your family, to see whether you are in the faith, like 2 Cor 13:5 says.
Saying the sinner’s prayer, growing up in a Christian home, making an altar call…doesn’t mean you are a Christian. Matt 7:21 "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.” A Christian is characterized by a desire to please God. A desire to please God results in a love of the Word of God, obedience to the Word of God, and a love of God’s people.
Now, of course we know that our obedience is not what saves us--Eph 2:8 “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God…” BUT as a result of our salvation, our lives will be very different than before. 2 Cor 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” A Christian will be characterized by these things--Gal 5:22-24 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.” Can you say these things characterize your life? Examine yourself. Acts 16:30-31 "Sirs, what must I do to be saved?" And they said, "Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household."
5). We can help our husbands by trying to be easy to love…by trying to be lovable. Several qualities they find attractive—respect your your husband, showing gratitude for supporting us with all his hard work, our cheerfulness, faith,and joy make us attract…and glorify the Lord! Our enthusiasm in doing things with our whole heart. We should speak words of life, healing… Eph 4:29 “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouths, but only such a word as is good for building up, according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear.” This should be our guide for our speech—words that give grace to the hearer.
6). What is an appropriate way for a Christian woman to look, and put herself together”--hair, make-up, jewelry, clothing. Beauty is an attribute of God that we should desire to reflect in ourselves. We honor our husbands by trying to look nice --well-kept and well-dressed. To men, the main thing that makes women pretty is a pleasant expression: a happy, friendly, eager to please expression. Looking attractive is something we do to please our husbands and families. In our hair, as in our dress and in our mode of life, we need to be distinct from men. This is God’s will. And we should delight in this! God commands us to look like women, distinct from men.
7). We talked about loving our children by how we educate them. The Bible talks a lot about training them. Deuteronomy 6:4-9 is our great manifesto. This is our instruction on how to home school.
Deut 6:4-9 "Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”
This verse tells us why and how and when we should educate our children. We—not others—are commanded to teach to them to love the Lord with all their heart and soul and mind and strength. How and why and when: diligently as we go through life together. We teach our children to love God by expressing our own love of God, often and fervently. We must love God. When you read the Bible to your children, you must communicate awe and reverence. The way we express our attitude towards God and His word is everything. This is how we disciple our children. We should see everything, and teach our children to see everything, in relation to God and His word—for this whole world is God’s world…science, history, fine arts, etc., all subjects covered! Education is something that happens as you go through life together with your children.
8). James 5:16 “The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” Many have asked for advice in difficult situations—my only suggestion is to pray. Matt 7:7-11 "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”
9). The world’s wisdom is contrary to God’s wisdom. 1 Cor 1:20 “Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?” What the world calls ‘problems’ really can be blessings from God. ‘ADD kids’ that the world labels and drugs… But most of our “difficult” children don’t have a disorder at all…they have a gift! A gift from the Lord!
Titus 2:3-5 is our home verse—Read it again. Titus 2:3 “Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” We’ve touched on these things.
Last thing I have to say: what’s the most important thing we need to learn… Gal 4:3 “In the same way we also, when we were children, were enslaved to the elementary principles of the world.” Some women are still enslaved like this, as they were raised with public school, in a non-Christian home, etc. We need our minds renewed. Rom 12:2 “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
How do we do this? Here’s how--Eph 5:25 “Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.” The Word of God is what cleanses us and sanctifies us. We need to stop letting the world influence us. The Bible is the solution. All life’s problems are in there—with answers. We don’t need pseudo-sciences like psychology. We need to get to the place where we realize that the Bible has the answers to our problems and we need to get to the place where we can find those answers.
Don’t just read through your chapters, or have your selective devotional readings. Do more than just look at the Bible—study it! Use a computer Bible program; it’s a good reason to get a computer if you don’t have one! There are two good free programs—Blue Letter Bible, which is online, or the E-sword one you can download and use just on your computer. I used them to do word searches to learn all sort of things about these topics so things became so clear! Or you can use something like pen and paper with a Nave’s Topical Bible, and a Strong’s Concordance…however, when you use a computer program, it’s10X as fast to do your studies! Good tools are the best luxury. A Bible program on your computer is absolutely one of the most valuable tools in existence, maybe one of the most valuable tools in history. We Moms don’t have much time but we so desperately need to have Bible literacy. Study topics…like on God’s sovereignty. Study, really study, not just read. Be prepare to make a defense: hope that’s within you (v.) 1 Pet 3:15 “but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect…” Both Bible programs will help you do this. 2 Tim 2:15 “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth.” To help you rightly handle…these tools will help immensely. Teach your kids to use them. It’s fun! Guide them in looking for answers. This is a thing that is good (Titus 2:4)…teaching yourself and teaching your children to use these very valuable Bible study tools.
A life-changing verse for me was in the story about Joseph. You know it… Gen 50:16-19 “So they sent a message to Joseph, saying, "Your father gave this command before he died, 'Say to Joseph, Please forgive the transgression of your brothers and their sin, because they did evil to you.' And now, please forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of your father." Joseph wept when they spoke to him. His brothers also came and fell down before him and said, "Behold, we are your servants." But Joseph said to them, "Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.”
Joseph understood God’s sovereignty in his situation. Even if people plot evil against us…even if they actually DO evil against us…God can use it for good. Rom 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.”
It was God’s plan to move Jacob’s family to Egypt. It was to preserve them as a distinct people. They had begun to intermarry and intermingle with the heathen in Canaan, so He moved them where…they were looked down on as shepherds by the Egyptians, so they were no longer intermarrying. They were forced to keep to themselves, be set apart—which was a good thing! God wants the same for us. This is something we should think about, as Christians, because God wants us to be distinct from the world, too.
We need to trust God blindly with a child-like faith, like this verse says, Job 13:15 “Though he slay me, I will hope in Him…” Joseph hoped in God all those years, like he said in Gen 50:20,”You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.” Human events DON’T thwart God’s plan! Rom 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” We need to trust Him for this!
I want to thank God…it’s God’s grace that gave these things to me to share with you…for all these evenings, to God goes all the glory. Gen 32:10 “I am not worthy of the least of all these mercies, and of all the truth, which thou hast shown thy servant…”
If you’re interested, our family will participating in the Vision Forum Baby Conference. http://www.visionforummini
Goodbye…until we meet again. May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you all… Amen.
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