Today's post is written by my oldest daughter, Rachel. It deals with a much needed topic among Christian kids today...Sibling Rivalry. She is wise beyond her 17 years. :)
"Lord, make me a channel of Thy peaceThat where there is hatred, I may bring love,
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness,
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony,
That where there is error, I may bring truth,
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith,
That where there is despair, I may bring hope,
That where there are shadows, I may bring light,
That where there is sadness, I may bring joy."
-St. Francis of Assisi
Let me begin with a story.
Once upon a time, in the schoolroom of an ordinary little home, there lived eight children: Temper, Impatience, Bossy, Anger, Hateful, Jealousy, Pride, and Conflict. Unlike the happily ever after stories of fairytale books, these little children loved to quarrel and fight and argue and bicker amongst themselves. Their names, as you can see, befit their character perfectly. These eight children were constantly at war with one another—sometimes two against one, or seven ganging up against one, or five against two—and it seemed quite a hopeless case of self-love: each esteeming self above all the others. What a horrible way to begin a story, aye?
Unfortunately, this is not a make-believe story. In fact, it is all too real, particularly in my family, probably in yours, and most definitely in the lives of siblings around the world. We all share this not-so-unique common problem: sibling rivalry. Even at seventeen years old, I am still at war with my siblings, God forgive us all. There may be a few with whom I get along better, just as there are others with whom I do not get along quite so well. Sometimes it is as if we are barely existing, barely getting by, and barely acknowledging one another's existence. Then again, there are others who get along so well that most of the time it is laughter and jokes shared, though not without the occasional rift. It is a wild rollercoaster ride of mixed emotions and attitudes—one day we like so-and-so, and the next day we like a different so-and-so—just like the little second-grader whose best friend changes weekly.
"A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: and their contentions are like the bars of a castle." -Proverbs 18:19
There are many different root causes of sibling strife, but the most dominant, the ultimate root cause of all, would be self-love. Self-love leads us to act in many ways that we should not act, and more specifically being addressed in this post, say many things that we should not say. The tongue is the most dangerous of all enemies for the Christian, and particularly, to brothers and sisters. The tongue is a malicious part of the human body, for it has a more destructive force than any earthly weapon. The old saying of "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me," is the furthest thing from the truth. Words can and do cause more pain and anguish than a thousand sharp knives that are lashed into the body. The tongue, as James says, is a fire.
"And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell...the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison." -James 3:6, 8
The evil, deadly poison of the tongue causes us to offend our brother, and in the verse quoted above, a brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city (Prov. 18:19). The tongue will make or break a relationship. If the tongue is given freedom to say whatever it wants and feels like saying, the only logical conclusion is the relationship will not last or bring forth fruit. We are seeing an apparent lack of brotherly love among siblings, and thus the breaking of the relationships, because the tongue is loose and rampant, and has not been held in check.
"Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding." -Proverbs 17:28
"Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof." -Proverbs 18:21
"A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards." -Proverbs 29:11
All men, because they are sinners, love the depravity of the tongue. It gives them a taste of power and control above other men. They can speak words that will hurt, wound, cut to the quick, bring power to self, uplift self's pride, degrade others, and create a pedestal on which they can rise above others. Brothers and sisters love the tongue just as much as any man, perhaps even more so because it allows them to uplift themselves as better than their siblings. The tongue is a wicked member, causing strife and discord where peace and harmony ought to reign. Even when the tongue is bridled, more often than not a little slip of the tongue can cause the greatest damage and distress. Whether in the heat of anger, or the quiet rest of peace, we must be wary of the tongue.
I took the following paragraphs from a post I wrote on my blog, entitled Bite Your Tongue, thinking that it fit in well with this article:
With siblings it is especially difficult to keep a watchful eye over our tongue because we are so used to saying whatever comes to our mind, and usually it is not what is acceptable (Rom.12:1).
In all of our relationships (i.e. husband, wife, father mother, child, sibling, coworker, boss, pastor, relative, friend, etc.) there is an important key to maintaining a tongue of that which is true, honest, just, pure, lovely, and of good report (Phil.4:13). Oftentimes it is a troublesome task not to just blurt out as fast as out brain thinks (which can be scary in some of our cases). More often than not this is how relationships are damaged because we are habitually prone to say hurtful things to degrade others and promote self. From experience I can say that the hurtful words of our mouth injures not only others, but ourselves. We fulfill the lust of the flesh (Gal.5:16-17) when we give in to our fallen desire "to be as gods." To achieve this, and to reconcile our own mind to the fact, we first have to make sure no one else is in the god-seat. Dare we assume to take the place of God Almighty? God forbid us.
We as Christians are called to be the salt and light of the earth, but if we fail in the small things, what right have we to expect the bigger blessings from God? Too frequently we automatically expect the best things from God when we are not willing to be faithful in what we have already been given (Matt.25:14-29). And besides, our witness to the world is shattered if we are not willing to submit every area of our lives to the sovereignty of God. He will acquire our ultimate obedience anyway; for He is GOD (isn't there such power in His name alone?).
Just another thought for the day. Think about it. And bite your tongue.
Sometimes it seems like the only answer to the solution of an unruly tongue is to bite it, literally. Yet how many times do we fail to do so when the need is dire? "Let loose and live" is the motto of our tongues, and frankly, we don't seem to care what we say, particularly when it comes to our brothers and sisters. They are the easiest to offend, the easiest to wound, and the hardest to win back. If we truly want to become the best friends we possibly can with our siblings, one of the key elements in this reconciliation is to entrap our tongue, not by saying whatever we please whenever we please, but by bringing it captive to Christ and His Word (2 Cor. 10:5). There is simply no other way around the matter. Our tongue has to be controlled by Christ, or we will never accomplish the work of being ruled by kindness (Prov. 31:26).
Most of the time we don't want to be nice to our brothers and sisters. We view them as annoying little pests who are always bothering us or getting into our stuff. But the fact of the matter is that, well, I'm certain we can be irritating at least many times. God ordained the home to be a happy, harmonizing place of peace and laughter, not grudges and hatred. We have made our homes into graveyards, where only dead bones abide. The weeds have grown up high and towering around our homes, as the roof has caved in and the foundation has been destroyed. It is up to each individual, whether an oldest, middle, or younger sibling, to close in the gap that separates us from being friends with our siblings. We have kept each other at arm's length long enough. Enough is enough, for I am sure that each one of us is tired of the constant dirge of seemingly endless conflict and fighting. Our lives will be happier, more blessed by God, and definitely more fulfilling when we settle the differences that lie between our hurting relationships, and kill the god of self that lies within us. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us (Phil. 4:13), and that includes solves the puzzle of sibling rivalry.
The answer is simple, really. Self must be destroyed so that God may be glorified. And in doing so, we pave the way to creating strong relationships within the family—bound together by the bonds of love that cannot be severed. The road that leads to a truly fulfilling life is indeed difficult, but very worth it in the end.
The story I began in the beginning is not over. It is in the working right now. Those eight little siblings have choices to make, whether they will continue in their sin of hatred and strife, or whether they will give up their desire to war, as well as give up their pride. Self-love is dangerous, for the end is death, and eventually one by one each person is consumed (Gal. 5:15).
The first step is to guard, guide, and yes, even bite our tongue when need be. We don't realize how much catastrophe could be avoided if we would just watch our tongue, and instead of using it for evil, use if for good and the encouragement of our siblings. Saying something cruel and nasty is easy enough, for it comes with our sin nature; but it takes courage to say what comes hardest to our nature, and that is something kind and edifying. There is no doubt that the tongue is depraved. The question is, will we fight its depravity and use it for good?
Rachel Brown is the oldest daughter of James and Sonya Brown. You can read more about her on her blog, Covenant Maiden.
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