Evenings with Victoria Botkin - Session 3 - Proverbs 31 woman
(notes taken by Beth Braun)
Her husband’s mother had her 90th BD. Her mother-in-law was married at 32. Had her first baby within the year, then became pregnant right away again. Her doctor thought it was a bad idea to have a baby so soon, especially since she once had rheumatic fever which weakened her heart. The doctor advised her to have a ‘therapeutic abortion’ for her health. She said no, and…the pregnancy and labor went fine. Both she and the baby were OK. This baby ended up being…Victoria’s husband, Jeff! And after this, despite her ‘weak heart’, she had 2 more babies, for 4 children total…Victoria is very grateful to her mother-in-law for choosing to have Jeff, her husband, and not aborting him.
Let’s answer a few questions first:
Question: I know I should be submissive, and I think I am, but my husband says I’m not.
Answer: Perhaps you say you are but in heart you are not. In your heart are you resentful? You are respectful outwardly in words and actions but not in heart. Eph 5:23 says, “But as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives also be to their husbands in everything.” Examine yourself and see if you really want to be obedient to Lord in this area. When you won’t submit…you think you’re defying your husband, but you are really being defiant to the Lord God. It’s really the Lord you are submitting to, when you submit to your husband. And it’s really the Lord you are rebelling against, if you don’t. Trust the Lord in this.
Maybe you really are trying to be submissive but your husband doesn’t recognize it. If you’ve set a pattern over years of not being submissive, well, it may take time for him to see real change. Perhaps you need to ask his forgiveness.
Question: what is the difference between apologizing and seeking forgiveness?
Answer: Apologizing can be a way just to smooth things over, saying you’re sorry but you are not really. Like if you say you are sorry but you’re really not sorry, inside you’re madder than ever but say it to him just to smooth things over because he’s mad at you. When you say, “I’m sorry if what I said made you mad…” You haven’t admitted to doing anything wrong; in fact, you’ve sort of implied that you didn’t do anything, that it’s his fault because he got mad. So you’ve shifted the blame to him.
Esau lost his birthright and was sorry about losing it later—but not sorry about despising his God-given birthright. (Gen 25:30-34; Gen 27:34-36; Heb 12:16-17) Sin is disobeying God’s instruction to us. It requires more than just saying “I apologize”…it requires confession of what you did and to ALL who witnessed your disobedience: to God, to the person you sinned against, and to anyone else. James 5:16—“Confess therefore your sins one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.” It’s confessing your sin. Say it sincerely… if your kids heard you, they’re included, so ask forgiveness of them, too. Show you are repentant, not just ‘are sorry.’
A real confession consists of four things:
1. Identifying and stating what you did that was sin, and admitting that it was wrong
2. Saying you are sorry you did it
3. Asking the other party to forgive you
4. Saying you won’t do it again, or that you are trying to overcome this habit, in other words…repenting!
Pride…being afraid of others think of you…these things can cause you not to do this. Prov 28:13 says, “He that covereth his transgressions shall not prosper: But whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall obtain mercy.” It’s important to model this repentance to your kids. That God can make all things work together to good... God can use your sin…if you confess and ask forgiveness…it will model for your children how to repent when they have sinned. Show them how to repent, confess, and forsake also.
If you truly have repented, it usually will bring mercy from your husband if he sees you are sincere. It wins his respect. If it helps, ask him to tell you how to show you are submissive.
Question: Little League Baseball is starting in our town, and our 12 year old daughter would like to play. My husband sees no problem with this, but I would like to encourage her towards being a young
lady and putting away certain things. Is this an area where I should submit and not try to get him to see my way in this?
Answer: Conforming outwardly is a mommy trend, the latest way of doing things; men see it differently. Your goal should be family united in obedience to God. Having a renewed mind to find the perfect will of God in every situation. Maybe ask, honey, can we talk about the moral challenges? If yes, then talk about the ethical and biblical beliefs RESPECTFULLY. What’s the family policy?—He can then think about what he believes and talk about it. When your husband sees that you are genuinely interested in his biblical
opinion, it will change his life. If He says what are you talking about??? Well, then ask him for help with your opinion in light of biblical thinking. When he starts helping you with your opinions, to
make sure they are fully biblical, he will come to biblical convictions himself. Genuine interest in HIS biblical opinion will change his life. Help him become biblical rather that manipulating him to be so.
Question: How can I help a daughter who is a tomboy to become more feminine?
Answer: As for being more ladylike... Victoria says she pretended she was a cowboy or Indian as a young girl—she was not raised in Christian home. Neighbors worried at her example to their daughter, so they made their daughter wear dresses all the time. That girl hated it, being forced. Some of us have had, and have tried to force on our daughters, a false idea of what femininity really is.
Don’t force femininity, like wearing pink and doilies and tea sets and dolls—these things are not inherently wrong but that’s not what’s at the heart of femininity. Outward stereotypes don’t make inward femininity. Biblical Femininity is about helping your husband. Look at the examples of the Pilgrim women, or how the pioneer women helped their husbands. A biblical woman can do exciting things as she helps her husband…crocheting doilies does not necessarily denote ‘femininity’.
Books helped Victoria get through her tomboyishness—she gained a vision for what it is to be a wife, woman, and mother. They can give us a vision for how exciting and fulfilling being a woman – a wife and mother- can be. The Little House on the Prairie book series helped her, specifically the example of Ma Ingalls. Another came from a book called A Bride Goes West, which was not perfect but it is good for daughters needing a vision for being a wife/mother. Read 1st hand accounts of women of the past, and their biographies, just watch out for feminist editors distorting things. Our lives now really aren’t that hard--even with having 8 or 9 kids, compared to those mothers who went west on the Oregon Trail...or the women who raised families on the frontier...our lives are easy!
Well, our heroine for tonight is the Proverbs 31woman, verses 10-31
Verse 10—“An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.”
--Knowing that God's inspired Word says that an excellent wife is more precious than jewels should be a great inspiration to wives who are aspiring to be like this. Diligently faithful, godly wives: this is how greatly GOD values homemakers even though the ‘career woman’ looks down on you so scornfully.
Verse 11— “The heart of her husband trusteth in her, and he shall have no lack of gain.”
--He trusts in you; you’ve earned it by working hard for Him. Working as a team, teamwork brings God’s favor.
(Note: Verse 12 she brings up later)
Verse 13—“She seeketh wool and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.”
--Her hands made her own cloth to make her home’s clothing. She did such a task willingly; it was not a ‘chore’ to her. She was thankful for the raw materials and a family to make all those clothes for. Have a thankful spirit—you can buy your clothes, be thankful for all those who wear the clothes--the bigger the pile, the more grateful you should be!
Verse 14—“She is like the merchant-ships; She bringeth her bread from afar.”
--She sells for a profit. The time you spend working for a bargain, these are 21st century terms: find a good deal but remember, time is also valuable, so crunch the numbers to see if it’s worth the ‘bargain’—ask your husband if he thinks it’s worth it.
Verse 15—“She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth food to her household, and their task to her maidens.”
--Well, she has maidservants, which we don’t but we DO have kids. If we take the time to train them, we have help. Yes, it’s easier to do it yourself, especially when the children are young, but really it’s an investment that will pay off handsomely for all of you if you take the time starting when they are little.
Verse 16—“She considereth a field, and buyeth it; with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.”
--She is increasing his estate but not working independently of him. Her husband trusts her to do business on HIS behalf. Example: a friend’s wife conducts business transactions for her husband on his behalf when he is too busy. Note, it looks different for each marriage but the important thing is that she IS NOT working independently of her husband but as part of a team. His counsel and blessing is on this enterprise.
Verse 17—“She girdeth her loins with strength, and maketh strong her arms.”
--This is a great verse; it refers to her emotional and spiritual strength. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God hath not given us the spirit
of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” She was a strong woman …it was her faith in God that made her strong. Her arms were strong—she didn’t shrink from physical work. The example in the Bible of Rebekah drawing water for the camels was physical work. (Gen 24:10-20) The women in the Bible didn’t just sit around in their tents. They did do physical work. It’s also good for us!
Verse 18—“She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night.”
--The New American Standard Version says “She senses that her gain is good.” There’s a profit/loss statement of the business she is involved in—and she has a good profit. Also, she didn’t just do nothing, just sitting around in the evening.
Verse 19—“She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle.”
--Again, we see her hands at work, this time spinning.
Verse 20—“She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.”
--She reaches out those same hands to the needy.
Verse 21—“She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.”
--Thanks to her diligence and industry, her house has appropriate clothing, things appropriate for a house whose husband sits in gates. Their attire reflects her husband as well.
Verse 22—“She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple.”
--The clothing reflects on her esteemed husband, so it’s important how she/they dress/appear. (In a later session we’ll deal with this issue.)
Verse 23—“Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.”
--He trusts her so much taking care of the house that’s he’s freed up to do this!
Verse 24—“She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant.”
--Another business venture.
Verse 25—“Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.”
--This is a favorite verse of mine. She is full of faith, godly like Sarah who was not frightened by any fear.
Verse 26—“She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.”
--She is self-disciplined. She applied her mind to seek wisdom, not just to seek it but teach wisdom also. Proverbs 18:21 states, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat
its fruit.” This is a sobering verse—death and life are in the power of our tongues.
Verse 27—“She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.”
--Diligence and careful oversight are once again seen.
Verse 28—“Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:”
--She has developed and maintained a good, loving relationship with her children and husband, which, by the way, far surpasses her financial gain!
Verses 29-30—“"Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”
--Her fear of the Lord is the source of her excellence.
Verse 31—“Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.”
--Her reputation precedes her.
The Titus 2 worker at home is what she demonstrates. We see that she works at home, however, we see that she is not exclusively at
home. But the home IS her base of operations.
Looking well to the ways of her house (Proverbs 31:12)… Well, it’s a tradition in America—this brings up a question:
Question: Is the house the wife’s domain?
Answer: In one sense true--her actions center around the home. It is her headquarters but…the home is not exclusively the wife’s
domain, meaning, hers… to the exclusion of her husband's. Unfortunately with the industrial revolution, men moved out of the home and the home was no longer their base of operations also. By the 1900's wives were very much in control of the family homes.
So then…The women made ‘their’ nice homes and didn’t want their dirty husbands coming into ‘their’ clean kitchen, ‘her’ nice house. Husbands basically got banished to the workshop or doghouse. It’s disrespectful to the head of home for a wife to act that way. Eph 5 says to respect your husband. The home should reflect the mission of the husband, and his tastes and interests, and not just those of the wife. This is a way of honoring your husband and his work. It’s NOT ‘her’ home to decorate so the husband looks totally out of place in it. (She’s seen houses where they are so femininely decorated, the husbands look totally out of place in their own home.) The home we share with our husband should reflect his interests, with our loving touch celebrating and beautifying those
interests. Try choosing things he likes to decorate with.
We women need to be careful not to get sidetracked by our houses. It’s good for a home to be attractive and comfortable for guests but your objective is to be an ambassador of Christ. We have to keep things in balance, and be careful never to focus on the house at the expense of our families. Luke 10:41-42 “But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."
The home is not the focus of our attention but rather its importance and availability for hospitality and discipleship. It’s a means to an end but not the end itself. Use your house as a help to train and equip. A house says something about who lives there. Home decoration is important because it says something about us and our families. Most homes today are dominated by huge plasma screen TV ‘shrines’. We used to have God-given ingenuity in the old days before TV— doing such creative things as quilting or music playing, actually spending the time making things for the home before TV came along. Julia Child, many, many years ago, who wrote Mastering the Art of French Cooking said: "I don't think Americans would waste a perfectly good evening staring at a box."
That’s what she thought of TV. Now, sadly, though, Americans have wasted so much time in front of that TV box in the 60 yrs since she said that...
If you have finances of limited supply and the economy’s bad, a very important thing is not to let yourself feel poor. No matter now little money you have. Biblically, being poor meant that you didn’t know where your next meal was coming from. Focus on God. Millionaires often ‘feel poor’, not because they don’t have enough money but because they look at their neighbors and see what they don’t have, so they ‘feel poor’. Compared to their neighbors, they feel poor. Feeling poor is a state of mind which really has nothing to do with money. Feeling rich has everything to do with recognizing and appreciating the blessings God has bestowed on us. If we are believers, we are rich. You should ‘feel’ SO rich! Recognize and appreciate ALL the blessings God has bestowed on you in this country…so many freedoms, such as to home educate, have the Word of God, etc. Concentrate on the blessings you have-- be
thankful-- for you have many! Ask the Lord to help you recognize and appreciate them and be thankful for them! Proverbs 10:22 says, “The blessing of the LORD makes rich, and he adds no sorrow with it.” Concentrate on the blessings you DO have rather than comparing yourself to people who…well, you just don’t have their stuff. How about comparing yourself to those truly poor people in Haiti for perspective? Now that’s poor!
Ps 31:21—“Blessed be the LORD, for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city.” Are you aware of God's love for you? Are you trying to understand the depths of it?
Have you forgotten this verse? David was besieged, which was about as bad as it can get but he was aware of God’s blessings to him in that place, that was his focus. Romans 8:38-39: “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Maybe your husband’s not be working as hard as he can to provide. My advice? Win them without a word like it says in Peter: Do not reproach your husband or complain; accept your situation and God's control over it. Phil 4:6 encourages us, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”
And what does 1 Peter 5:6-7 say? “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” And remember that the Lord has the power to do anything He pleases…even to change your husband’s heart. Nothing is too
difficult for Him. Seeing you cheerfully working hard...maybe even struggling...to make ends meet will do more to inspire your husband to work harder than all the nagging in the world.
And don’t blame him for things the Lord is doing. Look at what Rachel said in Gen 30:1-2—“When Rachel saw that she bore Jacob no children, she envied her sister. She said to Jacob, "Give me children, or I shall die!" Jacob's anger was kindled against Rachel, and he said, "Am I in the place of God, who has withheld from you the fruit of the womb?" She accused her husband...but it was God’s doing. Maybe, regarding finances, it is YOU that is actually spending too much. Be frugal yourself, but don’t nag and scold him about the finances, which will only make matters worse. Managing your household in such a way that you can live on your husband's income is one of the most important ways you can help him. You know, now the internet can make things worse for a wife: now you don’t have to leave the house to go shopping! Being frugal is an important way to help him.
Some shopping hints/helps. Try subjecting your prospective purchases to this list before you buy:
--Can we do without it? If not,
--Can we make it, or scrounge it? If not,
--Can we swap something for it? If not,
--Can we buy it used? If not,
--Can we buy it on sale?
--Don't pay full price EVER until you have shopped around a lot and determined that there is no alternative.
Even if you ‘have the money’, you should still be a good steward of what God has given us. Whatever the cause of funds shortage, be extremely careful about covetousness. Why? Wanting more stuff is OK, right? Read Col 3:5—“Put to death therefore what is earthly
in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.” Covetousness is right up there with sexual immorality and evil desires in God’s eyes...
Question: Why is covetousness idolatry?
Answer: By coveting, we are not acknowledging God as the One who provides for us and that he DOES provide for us. When we are not content with what God has provided for us, we are finding fault with Him...even despising Him! Job 40:2 says, "Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty? He who argues with God, let him answer it." It is a shame for Christians to find fault with God. Look at Luke 12:15—“And he said to them, "Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." What DO our lives consist of? Deut 30:19-20: “I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you may live; you and your descendants, by loving the LORD your God, by obeying His voice and by holding fast to Him, for this is your life and length of days...” THIS is your life.
Be thankful for all of God’s blessings to you! 1 Tim 6:6 says, “Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment…” There is wealth and gain for us as Christians… that has nothing to do with
money. Choose to become rich in godliness--with contentment. Remember how to: Deut 30:20—“…by loving the LORD your God, by obeying His voice and by holding fast to Him”
Housekeeping Question: So how important is it to keep a clean house?
Answer: One problem she had with a book of advice on housekeeping: is keeping the house clean the goal? The author had far less kids, her kids went to a private school (unlike Victoria who home schooled ALL her own)—well, the author burdened others by her advice. Germs are bad, but face it, dust and clutter are not life threatening. It’s simple: Our homes should be well-kept enough to
be a good testimony. Just do your husband’s will in keeping it, how clean he wants it. Luke 10:40-42: “… Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to Him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to
help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." Martha vs. Mary: Are we so busy cleaning we miss the good part, what God’s word says? Find a balance: germ-free but so house cleaning doesn’t eat up all your time. Streamline cleaning as much as possible.
Hints on streamlining things:
-- Do what is necessary. And only when necessary… not because it’s a certain day of the week.
--Invest in good tools which will make the work go faster.
--Develop a system which works for your family, and teach it to your children as soon as they are old enough to help.
--Try to get rid of excess belongings you don’t need or use.
--Important: Just do what you need to do to please your husband.
Don’t judge people who houses are messier, or worry about people whose houses are cleaner. Respect your mom but don’t worry about pleasing her by your housekeeping (‘just like hers!’) Yes, with little kids, it can be hard. Here’s a thought: let older daughters of yours help younger moms to manage their homes who are overwhelmed by a bunch of little ones. 1 Peter 4:10—“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.”
Question: Shouldn’t husbands help with the housework? Isn’t it fair for them to have some jobs too? Things like taking out the trash, and mowing the lawn, which are traditionally men’s jobs?
Answer: If they see you struggling bravely without complaining…they usually gladly will help you out. But…don’t expect him to be YOUR helper. This is a good example of biblical femininity: wives helping husbands: Victoria’s friend tries to do whatever things around the house (‘guy stuff’) that she can to free him up so when he comes home tired from work, he has been freed up for other things. This is biblical femininity. What if your husband doesn’t want you to drive, even though you think it would help get stuff done? Well, if your husband says so, learn to enjoy it.
An extremely important way you can help your husband: Avoid having expectations for things that the Bible has not said that you are entitled to. Like…him taking out the trash like your dad did for your mom. The feminist movement in all the Western nations, this drive to make everything egalitarian in the home, everything’s 50-50, including all the housework, so the two of you become petty bureaucrats squabbling…these are ALL groundless expectations. And examples like you have to have big fuss over your birthday, a certain stand of living is required just ‘because’... this is an interesting verse: 1 Tim 6:8—“But if we have food and clothing,
With these we will be content.”
Back to being managers while juggling all those responsibilities as moms: You have kids? Discipline them. You can’t keep kids in order without training your kids to obey. The bottom line is this: Your children must be trained to obey.
Follow what’s in Proverbs about children, the ‘tips.’ Here are 3 books you might want to read regarding raising children: 1). "Shepherding a Child's Heart," by Ted Tripp, 2). "Heart of Anger," by Lou Priolo, and 3). "Proverbs for Parenting," by Barbara Decker.
It does take up a lot of time, child training, but it is a good investment. Victoria remembers thinking, oh, I didn’t get my list done…floor needed scrubbed, pantry reorganized…but I DID get these things done with my kids: reprove, correct, exhort, encourage, apply Band-Aids, etc. Scrubbing floors not as important—but I’m NOT saying housework isn’t important--but analyze what’s the press need for the moment, the housework or training the kids.
Tip: Reading together teaches them to love to read…then the kids aren’t running around making messes, they’re out of trouble and each others’ hair. Doing this helps them—and you. It also instills a good habit AND it contributes to home schooling. Reading is an important way to learn—Victoria didn’t use textbooks (except to teach math) to educate her children nor did she use unit studies or a curriculum or anything, just taught them to READ a lot…
Question: Can you tell us how you spend your quiet time with the Lord? Do you read just your Bible? Do you use a devotional or reading plan? How do you find the time to read your bible alone?
Answer: Interesting question. I didn’t come from a Christian home. Her church as a young Christian emphasized having a quiet time in the morning. Psalms does say ‘early will I seek thee’. But when I married…she noticed her husband never kept his Bible on the shelf after done with his ‘bible time’, he always kept it near him, all day. No ‘put away time’ for his bible! He wore out several Bibles over the years…haha, you should see his now, very worn from all the use.
She had a ‘you have to have a quiet time’ mentality…but when she had a baby, ‘quiet time’ began to not happen. Oh she’d wait until tomorrow for ‘the perfect time’ to do it, but it wouldn’t happen and guilt set in. So she started reading aloud to her kids aloud. You know, the Bible doesn’t mention some ‘reading quiet times’ ritual—it uses words like preach, exhort, etc. Learn to read the Bible ‘in season, out of season’, ALL the time. Not just read it but LOVE it…she’ll snatch a verse while cooking supper because her Bible’s right by her. Maybe you could read it when up at night nursing the baby. You’re not a failure to not ‘have quiet times’—God doesn’t command ‘Thou must have quiet times.’
Also, your kids don’t need a child’s Bible, read the REAL thing to them. She did use picture bibles with her children when they were young for they loved looking at the pictures which made them be interested in all the familiar characters and stories. But remember, the REAL BIBLE must be read to them—it’s God’s word, not those children’s stories.
Question: My husband is a Christian, and a faithful churchgoer, but he doesn’t read Scripture with the children. Is it right for me to do it? Would it be going against his leadership?
Answer: This is a delicate situation; you need tact. Deut 6:4-7 does say: “Hear, O Israel: Jehovah our God is one Jehovah: and thou shalt love Jehovah thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be upon thy heart; and thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thy house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.” Even if he forbids you, you can appeal to God and him about this situation. Ask him if he’s OK with you reading the Bible with the kids, but make sure he’s clear you’re not trying to usurp his authority in the home and with them.
Pray for him and the situation. Luke 18:1-5: “And (Jesus) told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart. He said, "In a certain city there was a judge who neither feared God nor respected man. And there was a widow in that city who kept coming to him and saying, 'Give me justice against my adversary.' For a while he refused, but afterward he said to himself, 'Though I neither fear God nor respect man, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will give her justice, so that she will not beat me down by her continual coming.'" Keep persevering in prayer! And remember, James 5:16—“…The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”
Let’s answer a few questions first:
Question: I know I should be submissive, and I think I am, but my husband says I’m not.
Answer: Perhaps you say you are but in heart you are not. In your heart are you resentful? You are respectful outwardly in words and actions but not in heart. Eph 5:23 says, “But as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives also be to their husbands in everything.” Examine yourself and see if you really want to be obedient to Lord in this area. When you won’t submit…you think you’re defying your husband, but you are really being defiant to the Lord God. It’s really the Lord you are submitting to, when you submit to your husband. And it’s really the Lord you are rebelling against, if you don’t. Trust the Lord in this.
Maybe you really are trying to be submissive but your husband doesn’t recognize it. If you’ve set a pattern over years of not being submissive, well, it may take time for him to see real change. Perhaps you need to ask his forgiveness.
Question: what is the difference between apologizing and seeking forgiveness?
Answer: Apologizing can be a way just to smooth things over, saying you’re sorry but you are not really. Like if you say you are sorry but you’re really not sorry, inside you’re madder than ever but say it to him just to smooth things over because he’s mad at you. When you say, “I’m sorry if what I said made you mad…” You haven’t admitted to doing anything wrong; in fact, you’ve sort of implied that you didn’t do anything, that it’s his fault because he got mad. So you’ve shifted the blame to him.
Esau lost his birthright and was sorry about losing it later—but not sorry about despising his God-given birthright. (Gen 25:30-34; Gen 27:34-36; Heb 12:16-17) Sin is disobeying God’s instruction to us. It requires more than just saying “I apologize”…it requires confession of what you did and to ALL who witnessed your disobedience: to God, to the person you sinned against, and to anyone else. James 5:16—“Confess therefore your sins one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.” It’s confessing your sin. Say it sincerely… if your kids heard you, they’re included, so ask forgiveness of them, too. Show you are repentant, not just ‘are sorry.’
A real confession consists of four things:
1. Identifying and stating what you did that was sin, and admitting that it was wrong
2. Saying you are sorry you did it
3. Asking the other party to forgive you
4. Saying you won’t do it again, or that you are trying to overcome this habit, in other words…repenting!
Pride…being afraid of others think of you…these things can cause you not to do this. Prov 28:13 says, “He that covereth his transgressions shall not prosper: But whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall obtain mercy.” It’s important to model this repentance to your kids. That God can make all things work together to good... God can use your sin…if you confess and ask forgiveness…it will model for your children how to repent when they have sinned. Show them how to repent, confess, and forsake also.
If you truly have repented, it usually will bring mercy from your husband if he sees you are sincere. It wins his respect. If it helps, ask him to tell you how to show you are submissive.
Question: Little League Baseball is starting in our town, and our 12 year old daughter would like to play. My husband sees no problem with this, but I would like to encourage her towards being a young
lady and putting away certain things. Is this an area where I should submit and not try to get him to see my way in this?
Answer: Conforming outwardly is a mommy trend, the latest way of doing things; men see it differently. Your goal should be family united in obedience to God. Having a renewed mind to find the perfect will of God in every situation. Maybe ask, honey, can we talk about the moral challenges? If yes, then talk about the ethical and biblical beliefs RESPECTFULLY. What’s the family policy?—He can then think about what he believes and talk about it. When your husband sees that you are genuinely interested in his biblical
opinion, it will change his life. If He says what are you talking about??? Well, then ask him for help with your opinion in light of biblical thinking. When he starts helping you with your opinions, to
make sure they are fully biblical, he will come to biblical convictions himself. Genuine interest in HIS biblical opinion will change his life. Help him become biblical rather that manipulating him to be so.
Question: How can I help a daughter who is a tomboy to become more feminine?
Answer: As for being more ladylike... Victoria says she pretended she was a cowboy or Indian as a young girl—she was not raised in Christian home. Neighbors worried at her example to their daughter, so they made their daughter wear dresses all the time. That girl hated it, being forced. Some of us have had, and have tried to force on our daughters, a false idea of what femininity really is.
Don’t force femininity, like wearing pink and doilies and tea sets and dolls—these things are not inherently wrong but that’s not what’s at the heart of femininity. Outward stereotypes don’t make inward femininity. Biblical Femininity is about helping your husband. Look at the examples of the Pilgrim women, or how the pioneer women helped their husbands. A biblical woman can do exciting things as she helps her husband…crocheting doilies does not necessarily denote ‘femininity’.
Books helped Victoria get through her tomboyishness—she gained a vision for what it is to be a wife, woman, and mother. They can give us a vision for how exciting and fulfilling being a woman – a wife and mother- can be. The Little House on the Prairie book series helped her, specifically the example of Ma Ingalls. Another came from a book called A Bride Goes West, which was not perfect but it is good for daughters needing a vision for being a wife/mother. Read 1st hand accounts of women of the past, and their biographies, just watch out for feminist editors distorting things. Our lives now really aren’t that hard--even with having 8 or 9 kids, compared to those mothers who went west on the Oregon Trail...or the women who raised families on the frontier...our lives are easy!
Well, our heroine for tonight is the Proverbs 31woman, verses 10-31
Verse 10—“An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.”
--Knowing that God's inspired Word says that an excellent wife is more precious than jewels should be a great inspiration to wives who are aspiring to be like this. Diligently faithful, godly wives: this is how greatly GOD values homemakers even though the ‘career woman’ looks down on you so scornfully.
Verse 11— “The heart of her husband trusteth in her, and he shall have no lack of gain.”
--He trusts in you; you’ve earned it by working hard for Him. Working as a team, teamwork brings God’s favor.
(Note: Verse 12 she brings up later)
Verse 13—“She seeketh wool and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.”
--Her hands made her own cloth to make her home’s clothing. She did such a task willingly; it was not a ‘chore’ to her. She was thankful for the raw materials and a family to make all those clothes for. Have a thankful spirit—you can buy your clothes, be thankful for all those who wear the clothes--the bigger the pile, the more grateful you should be!
Verse 14—“She is like the merchant-ships; She bringeth her bread from afar.”
--She sells for a profit. The time you spend working for a bargain, these are 21st century terms: find a good deal but remember, time is also valuable, so crunch the numbers to see if it’s worth the ‘bargain’—ask your husband if he thinks it’s worth it.
Verse 15—“She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth food to her household, and their task to her maidens.”
--Well, she has maidservants, which we don’t but we DO have kids. If we take the time to train them, we have help. Yes, it’s easier to do it yourself, especially when the children are young, but really it’s an investment that will pay off handsomely for all of you if you take the time starting when they are little.
Verse 16—“She considereth a field, and buyeth it; with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.”
--She is increasing his estate but not working independently of him. Her husband trusts her to do business on HIS behalf. Example: a friend’s wife conducts business transactions for her husband on his behalf when he is too busy. Note, it looks different for each marriage but the important thing is that she IS NOT working independently of her husband but as part of a team. His counsel and blessing is on this enterprise.
Verse 17—“She girdeth her loins with strength, and maketh strong her arms.”
--This is a great verse; it refers to her emotional and spiritual strength. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God hath not given us the spirit
of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” She was a strong woman …it was her faith in God that made her strong. Her arms were strong—she didn’t shrink from physical work. The example in the Bible of Rebekah drawing water for the camels was physical work. (Gen 24:10-20) The women in the Bible didn’t just sit around in their tents. They did do physical work. It’s also good for us!
Verse 18—“She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night.”
--The New American Standard Version says “She senses that her gain is good.” There’s a profit/loss statement of the business she is involved in—and she has a good profit. Also, she didn’t just do nothing, just sitting around in the evening.
Verse 19—“She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle.”
--Again, we see her hands at work, this time spinning.
Verse 20—“She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.”
--She reaches out those same hands to the needy.
Verse 21—“She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.”
--Thanks to her diligence and industry, her house has appropriate clothing, things appropriate for a house whose husband sits in gates. Their attire reflects her husband as well.
Verse 22—“She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple.”
--The clothing reflects on her esteemed husband, so it’s important how she/they dress/appear. (In a later session we’ll deal with this issue.)
Verse 23—“Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.”
--He trusts her so much taking care of the house that’s he’s freed up to do this!
Verse 24—“She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant.”
--Another business venture.
Verse 25—“Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.”
--This is a favorite verse of mine. She is full of faith, godly like Sarah who was not frightened by any fear.
Verse 26—“She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.”
--She is self-disciplined. She applied her mind to seek wisdom, not just to seek it but teach wisdom also. Proverbs 18:21 states, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat
its fruit.” This is a sobering verse—death and life are in the power of our tongues.
Verse 27—“She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.”
--Diligence and careful oversight are once again seen.
Verse 28—“Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:”
--She has developed and maintained a good, loving relationship with her children and husband, which, by the way, far surpasses her financial gain!
Verses 29-30—“"Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”
--Her fear of the Lord is the source of her excellence.
Verse 31—“Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.”
--Her reputation precedes her.
The Titus 2 worker at home is what she demonstrates. We see that she works at home, however, we see that she is not exclusively at
home. But the home IS her base of operations.
Looking well to the ways of her house (Proverbs 31:12)… Well, it’s a tradition in America—this brings up a question:
Question: Is the house the wife’s domain?
Answer: In one sense true--her actions center around the home. It is her headquarters but…the home is not exclusively the wife’s
domain, meaning, hers… to the exclusion of her husband's. Unfortunately with the industrial revolution, men moved out of the home and the home was no longer their base of operations also. By the 1900's wives were very much in control of the family homes.
So then…The women made ‘their’ nice homes and didn’t want their dirty husbands coming into ‘their’ clean kitchen, ‘her’ nice house. Husbands basically got banished to the workshop or doghouse. It’s disrespectful to the head of home for a wife to act that way. Eph 5 says to respect your husband. The home should reflect the mission of the husband, and his tastes and interests, and not just those of the wife. This is a way of honoring your husband and his work. It’s NOT ‘her’ home to decorate so the husband looks totally out of place in it. (She’s seen houses where they are so femininely decorated, the husbands look totally out of place in their own home.) The home we share with our husband should reflect his interests, with our loving touch celebrating and beautifying those
interests. Try choosing things he likes to decorate with.
We women need to be careful not to get sidetracked by our houses. It’s good for a home to be attractive and comfortable for guests but your objective is to be an ambassador of Christ. We have to keep things in balance, and be careful never to focus on the house at the expense of our families. Luke 10:41-42 “But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."
The home is not the focus of our attention but rather its importance and availability for hospitality and discipleship. It’s a means to an end but not the end itself. Use your house as a help to train and equip. A house says something about who lives there. Home decoration is important because it says something about us and our families. Most homes today are dominated by huge plasma screen TV ‘shrines’. We used to have God-given ingenuity in the old days before TV— doing such creative things as quilting or music playing, actually spending the time making things for the home before TV came along. Julia Child, many, many years ago, who wrote Mastering the Art of French Cooking said: "I don't think Americans would waste a perfectly good evening staring at a box."
That’s what she thought of TV. Now, sadly, though, Americans have wasted so much time in front of that TV box in the 60 yrs since she said that...
If you have finances of limited supply and the economy’s bad, a very important thing is not to let yourself feel poor. No matter now little money you have. Biblically, being poor meant that you didn’t know where your next meal was coming from. Focus on God. Millionaires often ‘feel poor’, not because they don’t have enough money but because they look at their neighbors and see what they don’t have, so they ‘feel poor’. Compared to their neighbors, they feel poor. Feeling poor is a state of mind which really has nothing to do with money. Feeling rich has everything to do with recognizing and appreciating the blessings God has bestowed on us. If we are believers, we are rich. You should ‘feel’ SO rich! Recognize and appreciate ALL the blessings God has bestowed on you in this country…so many freedoms, such as to home educate, have the Word of God, etc. Concentrate on the blessings you have-- be
thankful-- for you have many! Ask the Lord to help you recognize and appreciate them and be thankful for them! Proverbs 10:22 says, “The blessing of the LORD makes rich, and he adds no sorrow with it.” Concentrate on the blessings you DO have rather than comparing yourself to people who…well, you just don’t have their stuff. How about comparing yourself to those truly poor people in Haiti for perspective? Now that’s poor!
Ps 31:21—“Blessed be the LORD, for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city.” Are you aware of God's love for you? Are you trying to understand the depths of it?
Have you forgotten this verse? David was besieged, which was about as bad as it can get but he was aware of God’s blessings to him in that place, that was his focus. Romans 8:38-39: “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Maybe your husband’s not be working as hard as he can to provide. My advice? Win them without a word like it says in Peter: Do not reproach your husband or complain; accept your situation and God's control over it. Phil 4:6 encourages us, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”
And what does 1 Peter 5:6-7 say? “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” And remember that the Lord has the power to do anything He pleases…even to change your husband’s heart. Nothing is too
difficult for Him. Seeing you cheerfully working hard...maybe even struggling...to make ends meet will do more to inspire your husband to work harder than all the nagging in the world.
And don’t blame him for things the Lord is doing. Look at what Rachel said in Gen 30:1-2—“When Rachel saw that she bore Jacob no children, she envied her sister. She said to Jacob, "Give me children, or I shall die!" Jacob's anger was kindled against Rachel, and he said, "Am I in the place of God, who has withheld from you the fruit of the womb?" She accused her husband...but it was God’s doing. Maybe, regarding finances, it is YOU that is actually spending too much. Be frugal yourself, but don’t nag and scold him about the finances, which will only make matters worse. Managing your household in such a way that you can live on your husband's income is one of the most important ways you can help him. You know, now the internet can make things worse for a wife: now you don’t have to leave the house to go shopping! Being frugal is an important way to help him.
Some shopping hints/helps. Try subjecting your prospective purchases to this list before you buy:
--Can we do without it? If not,
--Can we make it, or scrounge it? If not,
--Can we swap something for it? If not,
--Can we buy it used? If not,
--Can we buy it on sale?
--Don't pay full price EVER until you have shopped around a lot and determined that there is no alternative.
Even if you ‘have the money’, you should still be a good steward of what God has given us. Whatever the cause of funds shortage, be extremely careful about covetousness. Why? Wanting more stuff is OK, right? Read Col 3:5—“Put to death therefore what is earthly
in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.” Covetousness is right up there with sexual immorality and evil desires in God’s eyes...
Question: Why is covetousness idolatry?
Answer: By coveting, we are not acknowledging God as the One who provides for us and that he DOES provide for us. When we are not content with what God has provided for us, we are finding fault with Him...even despising Him! Job 40:2 says, "Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty? He who argues with God, let him answer it." It is a shame for Christians to find fault with God. Look at Luke 12:15—“And he said to them, "Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." What DO our lives consist of? Deut 30:19-20: “I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you may live; you and your descendants, by loving the LORD your God, by obeying His voice and by holding fast to Him, for this is your life and length of days...” THIS is your life.
Be thankful for all of God’s blessings to you! 1 Tim 6:6 says, “Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment…” There is wealth and gain for us as Christians… that has nothing to do with
money. Choose to become rich in godliness--with contentment. Remember how to: Deut 30:20—“…by loving the LORD your God, by obeying His voice and by holding fast to Him”
Housekeeping Question: So how important is it to keep a clean house?
Answer: One problem she had with a book of advice on housekeeping: is keeping the house clean the goal? The author had far less kids, her kids went to a private school (unlike Victoria who home schooled ALL her own)—well, the author burdened others by her advice. Germs are bad, but face it, dust and clutter are not life threatening. It’s simple: Our homes should be well-kept enough to
be a good testimony. Just do your husband’s will in keeping it, how clean he wants it. Luke 10:40-42: “… Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to Him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to
help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." Martha vs. Mary: Are we so busy cleaning we miss the good part, what God’s word says? Find a balance: germ-free but so house cleaning doesn’t eat up all your time. Streamline cleaning as much as possible.
Hints on streamlining things:
-- Do what is necessary. And only when necessary… not because it’s a certain day of the week.
--Invest in good tools which will make the work go faster.
--Develop a system which works for your family, and teach it to your children as soon as they are old enough to help.
--Try to get rid of excess belongings you don’t need or use.
--Important: Just do what you need to do to please your husband.
Don’t judge people who houses are messier, or worry about people whose houses are cleaner. Respect your mom but don’t worry about pleasing her by your housekeeping (‘just like hers!’) Yes, with little kids, it can be hard. Here’s a thought: let older daughters of yours help younger moms to manage their homes who are overwhelmed by a bunch of little ones. 1 Peter 4:10—“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.”
Question: Shouldn’t husbands help with the housework? Isn’t it fair for them to have some jobs too? Things like taking out the trash, and mowing the lawn, which are traditionally men’s jobs?
Answer: If they see you struggling bravely without complaining…they usually gladly will help you out. But…don’t expect him to be YOUR helper. This is a good example of biblical femininity: wives helping husbands: Victoria’s friend tries to do whatever things around the house (‘guy stuff’) that she can to free him up so when he comes home tired from work, he has been freed up for other things. This is biblical femininity. What if your husband doesn’t want you to drive, even though you think it would help get stuff done? Well, if your husband says so, learn to enjoy it.
An extremely important way you can help your husband: Avoid having expectations for things that the Bible has not said that you are entitled to. Like…him taking out the trash like your dad did for your mom. The feminist movement in all the Western nations, this drive to make everything egalitarian in the home, everything’s 50-50, including all the housework, so the two of you become petty bureaucrats squabbling…these are ALL groundless expectations. And examples like you have to have big fuss over your birthday, a certain stand of living is required just ‘because’... this is an interesting verse: 1 Tim 6:8—“But if we have food and clothing,
With these we will be content.”
Back to being managers while juggling all those responsibilities as moms: You have kids? Discipline them. You can’t keep kids in order without training your kids to obey. The bottom line is this: Your children must be trained to obey.
Follow what’s in Proverbs about children, the ‘tips.’ Here are 3 books you might want to read regarding raising children: 1). "Shepherding a Child's Heart," by Ted Tripp, 2). "Heart of Anger," by Lou Priolo, and 3). "Proverbs for Parenting," by Barbara Decker.
It does take up a lot of time, child training, but it is a good investment. Victoria remembers thinking, oh, I didn’t get my list done…floor needed scrubbed, pantry reorganized…but I DID get these things done with my kids: reprove, correct, exhort, encourage, apply Band-Aids, etc. Scrubbing floors not as important—but I’m NOT saying housework isn’t important--but analyze what’s the press need for the moment, the housework or training the kids.
Tip: Reading together teaches them to love to read…then the kids aren’t running around making messes, they’re out of trouble and each others’ hair. Doing this helps them—and you. It also instills a good habit AND it contributes to home schooling. Reading is an important way to learn—Victoria didn’t use textbooks (except to teach math) to educate her children nor did she use unit studies or a curriculum or anything, just taught them to READ a lot…
Question: Can you tell us how you spend your quiet time with the Lord? Do you read just your Bible? Do you use a devotional or reading plan? How do you find the time to read your bible alone?
Answer: Interesting question. I didn’t come from a Christian home. Her church as a young Christian emphasized having a quiet time in the morning. Psalms does say ‘early will I seek thee’. But when I married…she noticed her husband never kept his Bible on the shelf after done with his ‘bible time’, he always kept it near him, all day. No ‘put away time’ for his bible! He wore out several Bibles over the years…haha, you should see his now, very worn from all the use.
She had a ‘you have to have a quiet time’ mentality…but when she had a baby, ‘quiet time’ began to not happen. Oh she’d wait until tomorrow for ‘the perfect time’ to do it, but it wouldn’t happen and guilt set in. So she started reading aloud to her kids aloud. You know, the Bible doesn’t mention some ‘reading quiet times’ ritual—it uses words like preach, exhort, etc. Learn to read the Bible ‘in season, out of season’, ALL the time. Not just read it but LOVE it…she’ll snatch a verse while cooking supper because her Bible’s right by her. Maybe you could read it when up at night nursing the baby. You’re not a failure to not ‘have quiet times’—God doesn’t command ‘Thou must have quiet times.’
Also, your kids don’t need a child’s Bible, read the REAL thing to them. She did use picture bibles with her children when they were young for they loved looking at the pictures which made them be interested in all the familiar characters and stories. But remember, the REAL BIBLE must be read to them—it’s God’s word, not those children’s stories.
Question: My husband is a Christian, and a faithful churchgoer, but he doesn’t read Scripture with the children. Is it right for me to do it? Would it be going against his leadership?
Answer: This is a delicate situation; you need tact. Deut 6:4-7 does say: “Hear, O Israel: Jehovah our God is one Jehovah: and thou shalt love Jehovah thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be upon thy heart; and thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thy house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.” Even if he forbids you, you can appeal to God and him about this situation. Ask him if he’s OK with you reading the Bible with the kids, but make sure he’s clear you’re not trying to usurp his authority in the home and with them.
Pray for him and the situation. Luke 18:1-5: “And (Jesus) told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart. He said, "In a certain city there was a judge who neither feared God nor respected man. And there was a widow in that city who kept coming to him and saying, 'Give me justice against my adversary.' For a while he refused, but afterward he said to himself, 'Though I neither fear God nor respect man, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will give her justice, so that she will not beat me down by her continual coming.'" Keep persevering in prayer! And remember, James 5:16—“…The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”
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